Healing
by waternymph13
Summary: ernst is abused by his father. who will come to his rescue? ernstxmoritz ernstxmelchior ernstxhanschen kind of suck at summaries but its my first fic reviews would be lovely.
1. balance

i own nothing

"Wake up!" I jumped up. Too slow. The blow came hard and fast and catapulted me against the bed frame. " I am sorry sir it won't happen again!" I sniveled. Another blow came from the other side throwing me against my pillow.

"Liar", my father snarled down at me, " you said the same thing yesterday." I cringed and prepared myself for another onslaught but my father just smiled satisfied with my fear and misery. I shook a little as I began getting ready for school. My mind swirled not with the beatings but memories of last nights dream. Oh, the sinful thoughts that promenaded through my head. I deserved every beating I ever received. Each person was standing before me, loads of them, all very much naked. They stood before me as if pleading " judge me Ernst!". I don't judge. I never have. These people shook and quivered before me like beasts in the pasture when all of a sudden one broke rank. A boy, no a man, stepped out from the herd and approached me...

" Ernst if you don't get out honey your father..." my mother's voice echoed through the door ripping me from my revere.

" yes mother." a mixture of guilt and shame rippled through me. I put my poor mother through so much. I have become a condemned sinner and the faithful hand of god is trying to break me of this but my mother has to witness the entire painful process. I finished getting ready for school and slipped out the front door with out a word. I began walking up the hill when familiar footsteps shuffled up beside me.

" Good morning Moritz." a grunt came from him as he mumbled broken Latin attempting to finish last nights homework in his head. His silence came as no surprise. We walked to school together every morning and the most we ever said was good morning. Moritz looked over at me and stopped his mumbling.

"Ernst, what happen to your head?" I examined my feet ashamed of the marks of my punishment.

" Oh...umm... nothing I I I just fell out of bed is all." he shook his head a bit disbelieving

" Thats what you said happened last week. You know, when you had the black eye." I shivered forgetting I had used that excuse before.

" No really , I I I did fall out of bed. I was... I was dreaming." Moritz head shot up.

" Dreaming? About what?" he feigned nonchalant but I saw right through it. His sudden strong interest put me on edge.

" Oh nothing much just" he cut me off

" No one falls out of bed over nothing much!"

" Just people."

" Were these people doing something?" his intensity was growing as I tried in vain to evade his questions.

" Not really just standing there... it was more like ...um.. what they..."

" What they didn't have?" I stared up at him. How could he know? He couldn't know. Fate saved me at that moment as the school bell tolled beckoning us into the building.

I made my way in feeling rather sick as the bruises caught up with me and Moritz's words hit. I took my place in the back of the class in between Hanschen and Moritz. Hanschen smiled his arrogant smile and looked back at his book. My body quivered as my heart became a wild jack rabbit leaping around my chest. That grin shook my marrow as I stood staring and imagining. Warmth engulfing me I forget where I was until a sharp tug on my blazer forced me into my seat. Crimson tinted my face as Moritz returned to his seat after pulling me down just in time to avoid the professor's eagle glare. I side glance over to see his face but he is deep in thought mumbling what looks like Latin. Poor Moritz he hadn't finished his homework because of me. Once again ugly shame grips me. Its my fault I ruin everyones lives. I should... I should go away and become a monk. God will forgive me then! I will be a servant to him and no other... and I will be far away from father's hand.

"Ernst!" the cracking voice broke the silence as every head turned towards me. Trapped in my own surprise I stutter unsure of what to do.

" Well?" the voice of my professor sounds so very much like my father's I flash to his fists raining down on me.

All I can manage is a soft " I am sorry sir it won't happen again"

" Thats not the answer boy" he rose like a bird unfurling into the air slowly enjoying his wing span. He walked down the isle and with a quick finality cracked my shoulder with his cane. An explosion of pain electrified my every atom. He had managed to hit me exactly on my bruise from this mornings punishment. I deserve this I thought as I fought the tears. For the dream, and making Moritz not finish his homework and the sinful thoughts about Hanschen. I deserve this. The pain became unbearable and a few tears slipped out onto my desk. I hung my head trying to hide the embarrassment. When I knew I wouldn't cry anymore I looked up to see the head of Melchior turned facing me stricken with concern. I could tell he had seen me cry and I buried my head deep in my arms wanting to shrivel up and disappear. Of coarse Melchior the smartest nicest boy in the entire school watched me make a complete and total fool of myself. I dared a peek again and to my relief he was looking straight forward again.

The day dragged on, the clock digging it's feet into the sand. I hadn't been called on the rest of the day but I silently wallowed in my pain. Every so often I would drift and think of these boys who sat around me. Georg and Otto fooling around in the corner chuckling about Georg's piano teacher. And Hanschen all snug in his superiority. His ego was so very attractive. I wish for only a moment I could be as confident as he always was. And the forever woeful Moritz fretting about Latin and dreams. And then there was Melchior. How do you describe Melchior besides nearly perfect. His smile was soft and wise and his eyes held secrets and truths. He spoke of things I can barely comprehend and yet he speaks as if he has lived them. He is a radical. But he is only almost perfect. His faith or lack there of adds a hint of darkness to him. It scares me to think of someone having nothing to believe in. who does he ask for guidance? How is he punished for his sins? Maybe he isn't punished... oh that sounds so very nice... the bell tolled its final chime but our teacher stopped us before we left.

" Recite last nights psalm before you leave." everyone looked around panicked. No one had memorized it. No one but me. I was always diligent with my psalms hoping that in some way god would see how hard I was trying. With out thinking I recited it and watched as the professor let me through.

" Can no one else recite the psalm?" like a guillotine crashing down with a thwack his cane came down on every boy. I stood mesmerized by the grim display and far to late I noticed a group of boys walking directly towards me.

" Well little Ernst knows his Psalms." Otto grunted obviously upset that I hadn't been hit. He wrapped me in a head lock. I panicked

" No please Otto let go of me. Please I'm sorry sir it won't happen again!" he grabbed my shoulder and shoved me down. Once again pain rocketed through me as my bruise was hit again. I fell to the ground tears flowing freely.

" What a baby," Otto muttered " I barely touched you." I sat shaking on the ground afraid to get up with out permission. The other boys gawked down as if I was a spectacle on display. Finally Melchior knelt down next to me.

" Are you alright?" he wisped loud enough for only me to hear. Even in my pain the intimacy made me shiver. I shook my head no. " where does it hurt?" I couldn't tell him. I couldn't move. He gently pulled my jacket away and pulled my shirt aside. A huge purple rose was blooming on my shoulder and it glared up at me like a badge of my disobedience. Melchior took a deep breath

" Ernst..." I didn't hear the end of it. I jumped to my feet and gathered my books. I ran as fast and as far as I could.

I only looked back long enough to see Georg and Otto walking to their homes and Moritz, Melchior, and Hanschen all standing looking after me. Do not follow me. Please if god has any mercy he will let me hide in my shame. When my breathing became ragged I slowed and surveyed my surroundings. My feet had pulled me towards the old graveyard. A majestic black dogwood tree stood in full bloom the pink flowers falling to earth as the wind tousled them. I felt my eyes examine the tree. It's dark rugged wood contrasted by the soft gentle pink flowers. It was a balance of everything. I sat below it's leaves trying to forget everything and become part of the tree. I wanted to be sucked up by the roots and feel the balance but the tree wouldn't have me. I wasn't a balance of anything besides maybe sin and failure. I sat for a very long time and for a while I really had thought I had disappeared but footsteps walking slowly in my direction told me I was very visible. I opened my eyes to find Melchior sitting next to me. I didn't move away or towards him just sat in a limbo waiting for him to say something. He didn't make any attempt at conversation merely examined a cherry blossom in his hand. After an eternity of silence he looked at me

" Does he hit you often?" my breathe caught in my throat. I debated on whether I should lie but realized that would just add another sin to my list ,besides, I don't think I could have lied to Melchior even if I wanted to.

" Only when I am bad." I said so softly I hoped he hadn't heard. He did and frowned

" Ernst, that doesn't tell me very much. Tell me why hit hit you this morning."

" Well I didn't get up fast enough and then I lied. I deserved it." it looked like he got angry then " I am sorry Melchior." I wasn't sure what I was sorry for but I knew I was very very sorry.

" Ernst, you believe in god correct?"

" Yes. I don't know." I covered my mouth. I was devout I didn't question gods existence and yet I question him nonetheless to this heathen.

" Well who is it who decides who has been bad?"

"God"

" Who is it who has been deciding you are bad."

" God"

" Well,who has been punishing you for your misbehavior?"

" My father."

" Now for the most important question. Is your father god?"

" No... but surely he..." Melchior smiled a sad smile.

" Shh. Your father is not god nor does god speak to him. He is not a favorite of the lord nor does he have the right to go about preaching and committing the lords bidding. No one has the right to judge and punish. No one. That is left solely up to your god."

" He is your god too." Melchior laughed at this and I turned a flustered red. He tousled my hair sending tingles up my legs.

" To each his own."

" Melchior can we talk about something else?" I asked. My mind hurt as much as my body and I wanted to get away from the subject of god and fathers. He smiled and moved closer

" Of coarse. Anything you want." I hadn't expected this. I never talk about what I want. I usually listen or watch.

" Can we just sit." he nodded. We sat for hours under that cherry blossom tree and for a while I thought that maybe I wasn't such a sinner after all.

first fic so please rateand review


	2. afraid of the dark

Thanks for the reviews! Being my first fic I really appreciate any criticism, good or bad.

It wasn't so very late nor was it very dark as I dragged myself home but I knew he would be waiting in his chair. As I reached the door I conjured up his voice and how he would look in my head. My hand slipped from the knob and I almost ran away. I couldn't, he was after all my father.

The door pushed in as I made my way into the room. My father sat in his big chair that always made me think of a throne. He had been facing the door obviously waiting for me to come home.

" Where have you been Ernst?" He asked with a calm collect tone that reached through the air and gripped me and wouldn't let go.

" Out with a class mate. I was trying to help him with his psalms." The made up story picked at all of fathers favorite things like me being intelligent at psalms. He smiled and I wanted to shrivel up.

" With who?" He growled the smile still tugging at the corners of his mouth. I hadn't thought of this part but I knew at once I couldn't say Melchior. Father hates that boy although I don't see how he could.

" Moritz." Father approved of Moritz. Father's crocodile smile remained on his face but he nodded his head a signal for me to go to my room. I was walking on air as I made my way down the short hallway. If father didn't hit me right as soon as I came home he usually wouldn't hit me until the morning. I slipped silently into my room and just as I closed the door behind me I heard the doorbell ring. Thinking it was one of mama's friends coming for a late visit I began to slip into my pajamas.

As I slipped my shirt over my head thoughts of Moritz and Melchior and Hanschen filled my head. I tried to puzzle out their strange actions but each train of thought led me in dizzying circles. I sat on my bed the cool air feeling slightly off against my bare chest.

"Ernst!" His voice made my mind turn black. What could he want? I was in bed. I swear I didn't do anything. This had to be some sick prank. I sat in bed wondering whether or not I should move.

"Ernst!" The voice came again only louder. I could feel all thoughts of joy slip from my head as I slowly stood up. I reached my door knob a foreboding noise echoing to my ears as I pushed the door forward. I made my way slowly down the dark never ending corridor. Each step rang out. I knew I was headed into the arms of another punishment. _He_ was standing in the middle of the living room waiting for me. I stopped at the end of the hallway my legs unwilling to move forward.

" Yes Sir?" He beckoned me closer with a sharp twitch of his finger tips. I reluctantly stood before him my head hanging low.

" Look at me!" He thundered. I peered out from beneath my hair. I watched as his hand drew back. It came down hard against my head sending me toppling to the floor. I tried to stop my fall with my arms only succeeding in hitting my elbow along with my head. The hit had been expected, my father bearing down on my was not. He managed to grab my head and hair all in one hand as he pushed me against the ground.

" Who was at the door Ernst?" I went to reply but he cut me off. " Moritz! He wanted to make sure you were ok after the teachers punishment today. Lying again!" I shook Moritz had no idea what his act of kindness would mean for me. Father took my head and pushed it harder into the ground

" do you hear them Ernst?" he cried in my ear.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Was all I could manage with my face being constricted by the floor boards. My apologies prodded him into an even more invigorated rage acting like dry wood to a hungry fire.

" It is the demons, Ernst, calling your name! This is as far away from hell as you are ever going to be! And each day you just keep getting closer and closer and closer!" With each word he dragged my tear streaked face against the sticky hard wood. I squeezed my eyes closed praying for a savior. When I threw them open I saw my mother standing watching the grim display. She didn't smile and she didn't frown. She just stood there and watched. All the sounds of my father screaming slipped away and I held onto my hope that mother would make everything go away. Just for a moment our eyes locked and I pleaded silently with her. She turned her back to me and walked back down the hallway. As I watched her go I thought for a moment I could actually hear the demons crying my name out.

"Mama..." I whimpered out.

" Don't you drag her down to hell with you!" My father growled in my face. " You are never going to change! Lets take you somewhere so god doesn't have to view such an abomination!" I froze. Any beating would be better than this punishment that I knew all too well. He began dragging me by my hair towards the closet.

" No please! I am sorry Sir I will change. Oh god, please, no!" I screamed and kicked my feet. It was like I was fighting against a river current, no matter what I did it would just continue to sweep me up and careen me towards a ledge. He tossed me into the closet and locked the door behind me. As I was catapulted into absolute darkness images of my childhood flashed before me. Hours of whimpering locked in the closet after I had gotten my socks dirty or when I didn't come home at the exact time I was supposed to. I banged at the door.

" Please, please, I'm sorry" I moaned through the door.

" Shut up or I will leave you in there the whole week!" My father snarled banging back on the door. I jumped back and knocked into a mop and bucket that made a loud clatter. I slid my back down the wall in defeat as my eyes darted around wildly looking for the monsters hidden in the pitch black. No one could see me in this solid darkness ; not god, not the devil, not anyone. I was very much alone. No one on earth could hear me scream. I resigned myself to cry and shake.

When no more tears would come and I was too tired to fear the dark I curled up next to the bucket and wrapped my fingers into the dirty strands of the mop.

" Mama... Melchior... Moritz.... Hanschen... God... Daddy..." I whimpered out into the darkness as a few more leftover tears slipped down my cheeks. No one replied. I placated myself by focusing on the mop. I pretended the strands were Melchior's soft hair and Hanschen's strong fingers. They were Moritz's warm jacket. I cried and lived within each of there arms. Far away from gods sight I slept.

******

The door swung out and let a mass amount of wincing light into the closet. I crawled out to find my mothers slippered feet staring back at me.

" It is time for school." She said quietly. I straightened up and walked stiffly to my room my arms hugging tightly to my bare chest. With out thought I got dressed and gathered my books. There was no sign of father but rather than comfort me that fact scared me more. He could be any where ready with his harsh words and heavy hand.

I slipped out the front door. As I began walking promised myself I would do nothing to anger father today. It was time to show how good I could be. I pondered how I could accomplish this task. I won't get the teacher angry and I won't lie. I won't talk to the boys, I wont even think about them. It is wrong and sinful and I will have none of that. For the most part I must be invisible. I was so caught up in my attempt at invisibility that I did not hear the rushed footsteps hurry from behind me. Solid arms spun me and wrapped me in a strong embrace

" I am so sorry. I didn't know..." Moritz whispered into my hair. I closed my eyes. I didn't care about what Moritz didn't know. All that mattered was his warmth and body so close to mine. I moaned. He was making my good behavior promise very hard to keep. Reluctantly I pulled away. He stared at me so intently I looked down and blushed. He became Moritz again as he began fumbling for words.

" I was... after I..... and then you. What I mean to say is... after I spoke with your father I decided to wait outside your house for a bit. I heard..." he couldn't have. I wanted to scream and run away but I couldn't move. I wanted to curl up inside myself and disappear forever. Now two people know how bad I am. It is supposed to be my secret. " I heard you screaming." He shuddered " I heard everything."

I couldn't look at Moritz. He tilted my head up gently so our eyes would meet.

" Ernst I need.... you... I need you to know... I need to know..." His face twitched an inch closer almost as if he were going to... I gasped. As if that broke him from his confused thoughts he jumped back.

" We should get to school. We can't be late." He let out an awkward chuckle. He began his unintelligible Latin mumbling again as he took a few steps forward. I stood rooted to the ground my thoughts and wants rocketing around my head like angry hornets. He had been so close I could feel his breath on my lips and I had wanted nothing more than to feel his lips pressing reassuringly against mine. How could my promise of good behavior be so easily broken?

Moritz soon realized I wasn't following and he took a few paces to come back to me. He put his hand lightly on my shoulder.

" Come on I don't want to get you in trouble... again." His eyes clouded with a deep sorrow. He looked over my shoulder to where my house sat innocently enough. He brought his hand down my arm and gave a light tug at my hand. He led me lightly, his fingers in mine, all the way to school.

There had never been a time when I wished school was farther from my home but the thought crossed my mind as Moritz guided me along the path. As we reached the courtyard the bell tolled and Moritz gently slid his hand out of mine. I stood for a moment trying to savor the imprint of warmth left behind by his touch but it was fleeting and quickly left my skin. I looked up to see Melchior and Hanschen watching Moritz and I stand alone in the courtyard. When the two boys realized I was looking Hanschen turned away disinterested but Melchior returned my gaze steadily until I had to look away.

I walked into the classroom expecting everyones eyes to be on me. A sense of paranoia gripped me. How many boys can say they have held hands with Moritz? I looked at my palm to make sure it was not glowing red marking my intimacy. I looked around to see no one looking back. They all had their own world and I was nothing to them. I slipped into my seat and looked to the front of the room where the teacher was beginning to stand. He thumped his cane on the ground to get our attention. A hush fell over the room as the teachers smile broadened.

" Alright boys, gym class!" And I thought this day couldn't get worse.

NOTE: I promise the next chapter is happier. thank you : )


	3. swimming lessons

its raining and i managed another chapter so enjoy :) thanks for the reviews you guys are great :)

disclaimer: i don't own anything

Georg and Otto let out hoots of joy as I slid lower in my seat. As if the closet treatment had not been bad enough I now had to endure a day of gym class on top of it. I was physically exhausted from the uncomfortable position I had slept in and emotionally exhausted as well. Despite my deep loathing of gym I couldn't afford to fail and have to explain why to father. I shuddered as I imagined his reaction.

The other boys began filing out of the classroom and heading towards the locker room, a jovial mood floating amongst them. I wanted to dawdle but I had to try and scrounge up what ever remained of my good behavior promise. The promise forced me out of my seat and made me tail the other boys out and down to the locker rooms. When we got to the locker room the gym teacher looked us over and smiled.

" Because of the good weather we will be beginning our swimming section." I groaned audibly but it was drown out by the raucous thunder of the other boys cheers. I hated swimming. Beyond the fact that I was afraid of the pond we used for practice seeing the other boys in their suits drove me nearly mad. Not to mention the difficulty of hiding my bruises when I was parading around in the equivalent of underwear. I grimaced as I realized I couldn't even make an excuse to get out of class like I usually did. I couldn't lie.

" Will you be joining us today Ernst?" The gym teacher looked at me expecting an elaborate story about how I was ill. I looked at the floor and nodded my head too embarrassed to trust my own voice.

" Alright then. Go get changed. The curtain is over there for the shy ones." The gym teacher glanced at me again as I blushed an amazing crimson and watched my shoelaces. The first day of gym class the teacher had shown us around the locker room and threw a thumb towards a stall with a curtain and grumbled " for the shy ones". Not only did this curtain conceal my bruises it hid the other boys from my sinful eyes. It saved me a battle against temptation that I am not sure I could win. That curtain was for so much more than just the shy ones.

The gym teacher distributed the bathing suits according to size. I slipped away from the other boys who had already started peeling away their shirts. The stall welcomed me with open arms and I enjoyed being wrapped up in its seclusion. I pulled my shirt over my head avoiding the yellowing bruises. I finally managed to wiggle into the suit when a soft knock came from outside.

" Ernst, are you changed?" I was surprised to hear Melchior's warm voice come from the other side. I began to stammer not knowing what to reply to him. He pulled the curtain aside and stepped in not waiting for my answer.

" I had to see them to make sure... to see how bad it really is." He looked at me as if to ask my permission. He waited a few moments and then drew me closer for a better look. He winced each time I would as he brushed his fingers lightly over each bruise. His eyes finally came to rest on the phenomenal rose like bruise blooming on my lower shoulder. His hand hovered over it as if he didn't dare cause me anymore pain. He whispered what sounded like the word monster. I hoped he was talking about my father and not me but I wasn't sure. I wouldn't blame him for not liking me.

" Ernst..." He sighed and closed his eyes " How can I help you?" I didn't know if he meant for me to answer but I knew I never could be able to. There was no way to help me. I was a lost cause. He began looking me over once more but this exam was much more brief. I felt naked as his gaze raked over my body but in the silent blinded world that the stall created around us I felt safe.

He handed me a towel and I wrapped it tightly around my neck trying to hide my shoulders. That towel, oh what a simple act, meant more to me than he would ever know.

" Come on. Everybody is leaving." He smiled encouragingly and I meekly smiled back. As we left the stall we came face to face with Hanschen. I gasped surprised to meet his blue eyes as he gazed at Melchior and I. As apposed to his usual aloof heir Hanschen glared lividly at Melchior as if he had committed a crime. I squirmed uncomfortable as Melchior's and Hanschen's staring match carried on for a few unblinking moments. Melchior silently challenged Hanschen and finally Hanschen looked away. He let out a loud frustrated humph and glanced at me. I was expecting him to be as angry at me as he was with Melchior but instead his brow furrowed and his face split into a devilish grin. He quickly looked me up and down and walked away. I stood confused as to what had just transpired. I gaped at Melchior who stood staring at the floor deep in thought.

" Come on I am not getting any younger!" The gym teacher's voice made us both jump and broke Melchior from his stoic trance.

I scurried outside to find Georg, Otto, and Moritz already paddling around. Moritz sat uncomfortably at waist depth and flinched at each wave Otto put out. I watched as Hanschen did an elegant swan dive and landed with cool precision into the pond. Hanschen had always been the best swimmer in the class and you could often find him on summer days lazing around in the pond. Melchior and I edged our way along the shoreline. After a few moments Melchior waded in and made his way to Moritz. Despite being rather athletic Melchior was a horrible swimmer and thrashed about in water as if he couldn't get his limbs to work in time.

I slipped into the water trying my very hardest to not get my head wet. I swam out to a sunken log submerged just enough that when I sat down on it the water came to the middle of my neck. I found this log one summer day after becoming frustrated with swimming. The gym teacher would tell me I had a swimmers body and he couldn't understand why I was the slowest one in the class. I knew my gawky frame should have made it easy to slip through the water but my arms disagreed with my feet as I tried to make them kick and pull. The log made it look like I was treading water and allowed me to pass gym class.

I watched as the other boys showed off and enjoyed the warm water. Georg and Otto began trying to sneak up on each other under water. Surprisingly Otto was very good at it and managed to scare Georg twice as he pulled him underwater. Suddenly Melchior began splashing Moritz and a great battle ensued. They were laughing so whole heartedly it made me smile just to listen. Every so often a head would turn to make sure that the gym teacher had in fact fallen asleep in his usual spot under a tall shady oak. Hanschen practiced his butterfly. He was terribly graceful as his body undulated through the water his feet and hands in perfect time.

After a while I began to watch my feet kick back and forth loosely in the water. The light danced on my pale skin and made beautiful patterns that constantly shifted as the water rippled. Watching my feet move beat by beat had a deeply soothing rhythmic effect and I soon began to forget to think.

" Boo!" I yelped and nearly fell off the log but a pair of strong hands caught me. " Come now Ernst, you mustn't let little things like that surprise you." I looked to see Hanschen slip next to me on the log. I had no idea what to say as he sat there smiling at me. The perfect Hanschen sat a few inches from me and all I could do was gawk stupidly as my brain started firing at light speed trying to come up with something witty to say. I couldn't wrap my mind around the odd event that happened in the locker room and to make it worse now Hanschen was sitting next to me. The same Hanschen that doesn't talk to me. The same Hanschen that I have dreamed of, and the same Hanschen that doesn't even know I exist. I opened my mouth to speak but only a squeak came out as my face caught fire with embarrassment. He laughed belittling my embarrassment and causing me to sink lower into the water.

" Now, now, no need for embarrassment. After all these are rather odd ... circumstances. Wouldn't you say?" He inched closer on the log smiling and looking at me intently. He was waiting for me to say something but my mind was sputtering entrapped in his eyes.

" H-H-Hanschen..." I fought for words. " You swim very well." As the words left my mouth I wanted to reach out and drag them back in. I must sound so stupid! He cocked his head and laughed. I swooned as his hair caught the sun light.

" Well, it is not all that difficult."

" I could never swim like you do." I slammed my shut in an attempt to staunch the flow of stupidity that was tumbling out of it.

" Sure you could." He slid even closer and slipped each of my hands into one of his own. He began gently leading me in a smooth breaststroke. I felt his bare chest press against my back as he brought my hands together and out again and again. I couldn't breathe. He was so warm that if I stayed in his arms to long I thought I might melt. My heart began racing and stiffness began taking hold. Not now I begged with my body praying it would listen. His breath teased my hair and tickled my ear. I giggled and hoped he didn't notice. He replied with a deep echoing chuckle that gave me chills. After a few more heart stopping moments he slid away leaving our legs just barely touching. I sincerely hoped he wouldn't move away.

" How do you do that?" I whispered exploring how my heart was racing and forgetting he could hear every word. He smiled and assumed I was talking about swimming still. It was really so much more.

" Well it is pretty simple." He said leaning in again. " Take Melchior for instance. He fights against the water, thrashing about. Then there is Moritz who frets about every little wave. Now, you have to let the water work for you.... like me." He smiled and leaned in closer still. "You know it could work for you too." His hand brushed mine and I gasped not realizing I had been holding my breath.

" Come now little Ernst, you mustn't let little things like this supr " His sentence cut off as he froze stiffly his eyes widening. I was about to question him when I sharp tug pulled my bathing suit down past my ankles and then completely off.

" Oh god." I whispered in utter shock. Hanschen looked at me and we realized we had both fallen prey to the same prank. A few meters off Otto surfaced cackling. My entire body blushed as I realized Hanschen was completely naked a few inches away form me. I watched as Otto began swimming towards the other boys but he was still quite a distance from them. Hanschen slipped off the log calmly as I locked my gaze on the water directly in front of me.

" Do excuse me." He said politely as he dunked under and began swimming away. As he passed I felt a hand brush my bare bottom. I fell of the log in surprise. I searched the water to see if Hanschen knew he had... I couldn't finish the thought. I tried catching my breath and fighting off the stiffness that came back with a vengeance.

I slipped back onto the log and watched as Otto stopped to tread water and catch his breath. Suddenly Otto screamed and began to kick around.

" Hey give that back!" Otto reached into the water and pulled Hanschen up. Hanschen hung his head and reluctantly handed over a bathing suit. Dismally I realized that Hanschen didn't rescue our suits. If Hanschen couldn't do it then no one could. I pondered how long I would have to wait shivering on the log until nightfall came. Hanschen began swimming away from Otto faster than I had ever seen him swim. He was soon back beside me.

" Here." He smiled dashingly and handed over a bathing suit.

" Oh Hanschen..." I wanted to cry. I slipped it on quickly being sure to tie the string extra tight. I wondered if Hanschen also had a suit but I didn't dare look.

" Might I suggest we leave... quickly." A hint of urgency tainted his other wise calm persona. I looked over to see the other boys toweled off and starting up the hill back towards the locker room. Hanschen and I swam to shore side by side. He would occasionally slow down to keep pace with me. When we reached the shore I jumped out and quickly wrapped a towel around my shoulders conscious of Hanschen right behind me. I looked back to see Hanschen gripping a suit twelve sizes too large around his waist.

" Hanschen is that ..." I gaped his reply was a big jokers grin. He jerked his head out back towards the pond where I saw Otto twisting and contorting his face as he fumbled with something under the water. Hanschen had some how managed to switch his suit with Otto's and now Otto was stranded.

" He should have fun trying to squeeze into that." Hanschen laughed at his own joke and made his way confidently over to the gym teacher who was still asleep. Hanschen tapped him lightly on the shoulder rousing him form his slumber. " I do believe my good friend Otto could use some assistance" Hanschen smiled charmingly and turned and began walking away. I stood stunned at the chaotic scene Hanschen so easily left. The gym teacher had already began making his way out into the middle of the pond and Otto frantically was trying to get away.

" Well are you coming?" Hanschen called back to me. I struggled with what to do for a moment but decided it best to follow Hanschen. I began to doubt my decision as I realized who I was with. Hanschen was very different than Moritz or Melchior. He was confident and wicked and so untouchable and out of reach. Why should Hanschen talk to me? Why should Hanschen even look at me, the quiet little misfit boy of the class? I wouldn't blame him if he never even knew I existed.

These thoughts were banished has his hand lightly brushed my leg. I contented myself with his touch and didn't question whether or not he did it purposefully. I contented myself with just being by his side. If only my body would let that be enough.

NOTE: hopfully i that was a bit of comedy releif :)


	4. Candle light

thanks for all the great reviews they have helped alot. sorry to all the georg and otto fans out there i know they arn't really bullies its just what i first thought about them and it kind of stuck.

We got back to the locker room just in time to see Melchior slipping his shoe on. His head whipped up as Hanschen came through the door.

" Where have you been?" His voice sounded unusually harsh as he glared at Hanschen.

" Just ... experimenting. I was helping Ernst to become a better swimmer so he wouldn't end up like you. Do you have a problem with that Herr Gabor?" I could feel a sharp tension start rising up between the two and I itched to run away. I thought I heard Melchior growl but he was really uttering curses beneath his breath.

" That's what I thought." Hanschen said smuggle. I didn't know what their problem was and I was sure I didn't want to find out. Hanschen began walking away and I eagerly followed him. I looked back at Melchior to see him staring at the floor only one shoe on and the other in a state of limbo balancing off his toe. He was deep in thought and those trances could last for hours.

I slipped into my stall and got changed as quickly as possible in hopes of catching up with Hanschen. When I was done I hastily looked around the locker room. Disappointment flooded me as I realized Hanschen was gone along with everyone else. Head low I made my way back to class. When I opened the door silence fell over the room.

" So nice of you to join us Herr Robel." The trigonometry teacher sat bored at his desk as he picked absentmindedly at his sweater. " please take a seat and finish the equations on the board." I remembered my promise to myself and Father that I would have good behavior today and I tried fervently to focus on my studies. It was very difficult as all the numbers on the board swirled into a confusing jumble. I watched as Moritz's chalk scratched like frantic dancing feet across his board. I knew he would be here half the night working out these mysterious equations.

Melchior stood up obviously bored by what he thought were easy equations. Only a moment later Hanschen stood up also, tablet in hand. They both went to the front of the room and handed their work in. The teacher dismissed them as I tried even harder to solve the equations. I only had two left but they were by far the hardest.

After another five minutes my neck began to hurt from looking up at the board and the door so much. With a sigh I finally finished and listened as another person got up. I moved swiftly to the front and watched as Otto pulled up behind me to hand his work in. I didn't want to have to deal with Otto so I gathered my books quickly and tried to run out the door.

" Hey Ernst!" I flinched as I heard Otto call my name. " Umm can we talk?" He grunted as he ran to catch up to me.

" Of coarse." I looked down and rubbed my shoe in the dirt. I tried to look unassuming and innocent which was basically how I normally looked so it wasn't that difficult.

" I am sorry about, you know, all the stuff I have put you through." I was shocked and looked up to see Otto staring at my shoulder. He knew. There was no doubt about it. He must have seen the bruises or someone must have told him. I wondered how long it would be before the entire class new.

" Sure. I forgive you." I tried to smile but it got caught half way. Otto nodded and walked away nervously running a hand through his hair. I sighed feeling very tired. I leaned against the school and watched the sun set knowing father didn't expect me home for another fifteen minutes. If I went home early he would accuse me of skipping and there would be no way to explain that I finished trigonometry early. It was so very peaceful until I heard voices just around the corner of the school. Curious I peeked around to see who it was. To my surprise I saw Hanschen standing arms folded against his chest and Melchior pacing back and forth fervently.

" You can't toy with him like this! He . . . he is fragile." Melchior whisper screamed at Hanschen.

" Who says I am toying?" Hanschen, unaffected by Melchior's angry tone, smiled coolly. " I know enough about him to know what I want."

Melchior ran up to Hanschen and it looked as if he were going to hit him. I had never seen Melchior so angry. It frightened me so much so that I couldn't look away.

" You don't know anything about him. You just have something to gain! What is it?" Melchior pushed Hanschen back. Hanschen took a few steps to balance himself and lightly brushed off his jacket where Melchior had touched him.

" I think the better question is why do you care so much Melchior. If I began hanging out with Moritz you wouldn't try and stop me. So what makes him so special?" Melchior floundered. I gasped as I heard for the first time Melchior Gabor speechless. Both heads whipped in my direction. I flung myself around the wall to try and avoid their sight. I knew they would be unhappy with me if they knew I had been eavesdropping. I didn't want to talk to either of them especially when they were so on edge.

I began to run home and I didn't once look back. I got home and paused at the door hoping I wasn't home too early or too late. I pushed the door in expecting to see my Father in his throne waiting for me. Instead I had mom standing there with open arms and a happy smile.

" Oh Ernst, sweetie, father is away on a hunting trip!" she squealed excitedly. Father couldn't be away. It was impossible. Mother looked at me expectingly as if I was supposed to jump for joy.

" I have to go..." The words came out a harsh whisper surprising myself. It wasn't fair! Something snapped inside me. I had worked so hard to be good and he would never know! I wanted to stomp around and kick and scream. Mother looked on trying to puzzle out my words.

" But Ernst, darling, now is our chance to"

" I have to go now!" I cut her off with a panicked shout as I felt the walls closing in. She took a few steps towards me and I stumbled away tripping slightly over father's chair. I was breathing fast and my heart pounded in my chest painfully putting a beat to every moment.

" I won't be home tonight." I didn't know where I was going but I knew I couldn't stay in the house. Mother tried again to approach me but I backed away like a cornered animal.

" But sweetie..." she frowned and I thought she was going to cry. " Just please... be careful... for me." she looked down and I left her standing there alone as I began to run as fast as I could away from the house. I couldn't take being in there one more second. How could he go now? I had tried so hard! I did everything right and he was never going to know! My feet slammed against the road as I rocketed blindly down the path. He was supposed to be proud of me today! He was supposed to love me...

I pulled my sleeves across my eyes wiping away the tears that pricked at the corners of my eyes. I didn't know where I was going and I could feel my legs beginning to ache as they slowly dragged to a stomping walk. I looked around trying to regain my bearings but realized I had to sit down as my chest caught fire. Each breath was jagged and hurt and just made more tears spill over. Bitterness began to swallow me. The new emotion felt strange in my body. I wanted to laugh and scream and cry but nothing came out. It was bottled up and ate away at me. The irony was unbearable. I had worked all day for father. All I wanted to do was try and please him for once in my miserable life! Just when I think I am home free he goes away. He will never know how hard I worked!

I couldn't sit for long. My legs spurred me up again as I walked the rage dripping behind me slowly leaving my body. All that was left was exhaustion. I was too tired to harbor bitterness or anger or sadness. I looked around again and realized where my feet were taking me and I smiled softly. Leave it to my feet to know where my heart wanted to go.

***

The church grew as I walked sullenly along. Its beautiful steeple sprang into the air as if it were pointing right to god. I pushed the huge wooden doors aside as the last remaining rays of the sun slipped along my back. The church was empty save for two mice who skittered into their hole when I stepped in. When I took my first footstep on the stone floor the church bell rang out marking the eighth hour. With each step I took it chimed again until I reached the first pew. I sat and tried to feel god watching me.

I stared at the red and golden stained glass windows. I loved nothing more than coming in on Sundays and hearing the songs of the choir and the sermons and watching the sun create patterns as it filtered through the stained glass. I would make stories up about the people and places they depicted and I would love when the sun would shift just right to cast technicolor shadows on my pale skin.

I didn't know what to do as I stared up at the alter. I got up and slowly walked around feeling more at home here than I ever had before. I found a few matches and lit candles. I put a candle by the window and smiled as it flickered and danced. I knelt back down in the pew and felt a solemn duty to pray. I folded my hands about to begin silently thinking when I thought that god may hear me better if I spoke aloud.

" Dear god." my voice cracked with anxiety. I had never prayed out loud before and even my whispery voice echoed around the church. " It is me, Ernst, I hope you have time to listen. Things have been... very hard. I try my very best to please you and father but it seems like nothing works. I am sorry I mess up so much, I really don't try to. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me I will try doubly hard to make you happy. I want to thank you for everything you do for me and my friends. I wish to ask that you help Hanschen and Melchior solve there argument. I don't like to see them fight. I also wish you bless Otto and Georg. They are not all bad. Thank you lord for listening to me. I know you have a lot of other things to do." I bowed my head and sat silently with my eyes still closed for a few minutes longer hoping with all my might that the prayer0 made it to heaven and then into god's ears.

After a long while I opened my eyes and looked up. The candle flickered happily and standing next to the window was Melchior. My heart stopped. How long had he been standing there? What did he hear? He took a few steps and sat next to me in the pew.

" I am sorry." He whispered as he hung his head unable to look at me.

" F-f-for what?" I stuttered still astounded that he was even here.

" I followed you after I saw you running down the street. I thought maybe I could help. When you went into the church curiosity got the best of me. I walked in and heard you praying. I had never seen anyone pray before and I thought maybe..." He sighed and shook his head. " I thought maybe I could understand what people are so crazy about. I was wrong. I witnessed something special that I now know I can never take part in. I should not have intruded."

I was left speechless. I gaped at him trying to look into his eyes. But his head still hung low and he didn't make any move.

" Ernst, can you answer me something?" He said as he suddenly looked up to meet my eyes.

" Of coarse Melchior. Anything!" I was hoping he wouldn't ask anything too difficult.

" How do you keep your faith... when so many things go wrong. I mean your life has to be so difficult and still you manage to see the good in everything. It amazes me." He said as he peered at me from beneath his dark hair. I didn't know how to answer him.

" I just do." I blushed knowing that the poor excuse of an answer would not satisfy Melchior's hunger for knowledge.

" You fascinate me." He chuckled as I blushed. " You can put your faith in something so blindly and strongly and it never wavers but you can't seem to put faith in yourself. It boggles me to think that you can forgive for anything but you can't seem to let go of the nonexistent sins you think you commit."

" But I do commit them every day!" My voice came out whiny as if I was trying to prove to him that I was bad.

" Name one thing the bible says you shouldn't do that you do every day." Melchior said firmly as if talking to a little child. I fumbled trying to come up with a reply.

" I think things I shouldn't."

" It is not a crime to think." He said softly trying to soothe me into agreement.

" But the things I think... about people... about doing things with people." I shuddered and I couldn't bring myself to look at Melchior. I sat waiting for a reply when suddenly Melchior's laughter echoed through the church. I knew he must think me a fool or worse a monster for admitting to such a sin.

" Ernst everyone has those thoughts." He breathed as he desperately tried to control his laughter. " It is not a sin. Your Mother has those thoughts. Your class mates have those thoughts. Even your Father has those thoughts!" I couldn't help but laugh as I thought of my father sitting alone in his room thinking the same thoughts about Hanschen and Melchior that I thought. Melchior smiled at me and his eyes softened. We sat staring at each other for the longest moment.

He slid a little closer on the pew and I felt his warmth radiate out.

" So who is your favorite?" He asked matter of factly.

" I don't know what you mean..."

" Come on we all have our... preferences." He raised an eyebrow suggestively. I began to stutter again.

" Oh you wouldn't know him." I said quickly. Hoping he wouldn't question further.

" Him?" Melchior looked at me intently. I gasped not knowing what to do.

" Her! I meant to say her! What about you? I hear you are very fond of Wendla." My heart raced as I hoped my change of subject worked.

" Wendla and I are friends. Only friends. Besides, I do not wish to speak of Wendla, I wish to speak of you." I blushed again and hoped he couldn't see in the flickering candle light. I wished I could sit in silence and just gaze forever at Melchior's handsome features illustrated even more beautifully in the dancing shadows cast by the single candle. Suddenly a great yawn sprang up from me and caught me off guard. Melchior chuckled as I covered my mouth trying to hide how tired I was.

" I think it is time for bed." He smiled and got up. I thought he had left but he quickly returned with a blanket.

" But Melchior I don't want you to go!" I gasped quietly embarrassed from my forward words.

" Who said I was leaving?" I smiled and removed my jacket. I balled it up into a pillow and laid down curling my knees to my chest. Melchior sat silently down next to me and pulled out a book. I smiled as my eyes fluttered closed. I fought hard to fight sleep off. I wanted to treasure this sight. Melchior at my feet reading a book in candle light. Try as I might sleep began to quickly over take me and I was left in a dizzying half conscious realm between sleep and Melchior. I couldn't tell what I was dreaming and what was actually happening.

" Just hold on for me Ernst." The voice was quiet and sounded so far away. " I am trying. I wish I could tell you. I wish I knew how." I thought I heard footsteps and I just barely felt the blanket gently pull up around my shoulders. I thought that I might be dreaming and that an angel had come to comfort me. Everything was soft and warm and safe.

" Sleep well." I smiled subconsciously as I heard Melchior's voice close to my ear. A warm kiss fell onto my cheek and I knew that this was a very good dream.


	5. Knights and Beasts

your reviews make me so happy! thank you for the praise. you guys make me a better writer. thanks!

"Wake my son."

"Mmm five more minutes Melchie." I rolled over trying to get back to sleep but I had managed to roll right off the church pew. Stunned I looked around trying to regain my bearings only to see the old priest peering down at me.

" Come, tell me why you have taken refuge in the house of god." He looked down kindly and offered his hand. I took it trying to bide my time to come up with what to say. I slipped back down onto the pew and wrapped my arms around my knees trying to procrastinate as much as possible. What on earth was I supposed to say? How could I tell him about Father and Melchior and running away? I couldn't.

" My father.." I stuttered.

" A son should honor and respect his father as highly as he would respect me or god. A father is a giver of life and his sole purpose is to teach you the ways of the world." The priest smiled as if he had dropped glowing pearls of wisdom at my feet. My stomach clenched and I bit my tongue. I had heard enough and silently slipped away hoping he wouldn't inquire further.

I threw the wooden doors open and saw with a bit of dismay that the sky was gray and it was raining. As I took a few steps into the gloom the bell tolled the sixth hour. I yawned realizing just how early it was. It is six in the morning on a Saturday. Father won't be home until Sunday evening. I began smiling to myself disregarding the soaking the rain was giving me. I had a whole day of not worrying about my action's consequences. A full day of no punishment! The thought got me skipping along the road.

I felt brave, which was rare for me. Yesterday's anguish at fathers absence was replaced with a bold sense of daring. I began to strut down the deserted path. I was a rather good distance from town and I knew no one would see me gallivanting around in the rain. I wasn't Ernst anymore I was a noble knight whom everyone loved. I dreamed that everyone was crowding the streets and watching me go by. I waved to the invisible people and smiled.

Suddenly a great crash shattered my dream into a million silver shards and I looked around to see the sky darkening even more. Great thunderheads rolled in and bellowed as lighting began to fall haphazardly to earth. My bravery drained out from my feet as I stood rooted my knees knocking together. Thunder shook the earth as I jumped and began to run and stumble along the muddy rocky path.

Instead of silver armor I began seeing great green terrible dragons that roared thunder and spit lightning. I ran faster as I was being chased by the beasts in my mind. Lightning tumbled down and I felt my heart jolt as it struck a huge tree about a mile off. My heart hammered as I watched with a terrified awe as the bark split and buckled. If lightning could do that to a huge tree I shuddered to think what it could do to me!

I tossed my head wildly in all directions looking for a shelter. Only a few meters off a quaint little house stood protesting against the winds that howled against it. I silently thanked god and ran to the front step. I pounded frantically not caring much about who I disturbed at this early hour.

The door opened wide. I gasped as I recognized Hanschen's mother dressed impeccably in a blue flowered dress her long blond hair wrapped up in a bun.

"Oh Ernst, you poor dear!" She exclaimed over the storm. She grabbed me by the wrist and brought me inside with out ever missing a step. " What could you possibly be doing in a storm like this? In your school uniform no less!" She tutted and looked me over from head to toe.

"Caught in the storm." I mumbled. Of all the houses in the town I could have found I managed to end up half drowned and scared out of my mind at the Rilow home. I silently cursed my misfortune and scanned the room for Hanschen.

"Well that is obvious dear! _Why _were you out in the storm so early?" She looked at me trying to figure out if I was insane or not.

" Church." It was the best answer I could give her before a massive shiver made my entire frame shake and my teeth chatter and chomp my words to pieces.

"Oh dear! We have to get you out of those wet clothes or you will catch your death." She wrapped my shoulders in a fluffy towel and I smiled gratefully.

" Mother, this simply will not do!" I froze as I heard Hanschen's voice coming down the stairs. " Father insists on pushing me out of the bathroom. You know how sensitive my...stomach...is." Hanschen's mouth paused as he looked wide eyed at me from halfway down the stairs. I stared equally shocked. This was not the Hanschen I knew. This Hanschen wore a sky blue night shirt and had his normally perfect blond hair mussed and sticking up at odd angles. This Hanschen had bare feet and sleep still in his eyes. I wondered if this was the same pristine Hanschen I admired everyday. It wasn't a bad look just different. He seemed softer. Much more like Melchior than I had ever dreamed. He stood teetering for a moment unsure of what to do.

" Honey, Ernst was caught in the storm so he will be staying with us until it calms." Mrs. Rilow smiled carefully keeping a close eye on her son.

"Ah, yes, good to see you. Would you excuse me for a moment." He turned and bolted back up the stairs. I watched him go and wanted to run out the front door. I must look a sight sopping wet at six in the morning.

" I am sorry sometimes Hanschen is so peculiar. He just has his tantrums and there is no consoling him. I have to tiptoe around that boy." His mother left the room and I contemplated running back into the storm. Anything would be better than having to embarrass myself in front of Hanschen and his whole family. Before I had time to make up my mind she returned with a stack of folded clothes.

" These are some of Hanschen's things. The shirt should fit but I think the pants may be a little short. The bathroom is right over there. You can leave your wet clothes and I will dry them for you." She grinned happy to be playing hostess. I took the things and quickly strode into the bathroom locking the door behind me.

I peeled my wet clothes off my body wondering what I should do with my underwear not feeling comfortable leaving it on display on the bathroom floor. My entire body blushed as I realized I would have to slip into Hanschen's underwear. I closed my eyes and as quickly as possible threw the clothes on. I examined my face in the mirror and tried my hardest to fix my hair. After a few moments more of adjustments I figured I was as ready as I would ever be to face the others.

I stepped out to see Hanschen coming down the stairs. He had changed into a cranberry red button down shirt and it made his blue eyes sparkle brighter than sapphires. His hair was neatly combed and the soft surprised Hanschen was nothing but a memory. Hanschen looked at me and I realized I had stopped breathing.

"Breakfast! Ernst, won't you join us?" Mrs. Rilow's cheery voice chirped from the dining room. I was about to politely decline when my stomach growled in protest. I followed Hanschen and found a seat across from him. Hanschen's father, a stern older man, sat at one end while his wife sat at the other. This left Hanschen and I sandwiched between the two and forced to stare into each other's faces. I wasn't about to complain but I felt bad for Hanschen being forced to look at me in such a state. I stared down at my plate trying to avoid eye contact.

" So you are one of Hanschen's classmates. Is that correct?" Mr. Rilow said stiffly. I went to answer but Mrs. Rilow chimed in.

" Of course he is! He is Ernst, the one Hanschen is always talking about."

" Mother this is hardly a suitable table discussion." Hanschen glared menacingly but it quickly turned into a charismatic smile.

" How do you do in school?" Hanschen's father inquired as I picked meagerly at my eggs. My appetite had quickly faded at the mere idea that Hanschen had mentioned my name to his parents.. I went to reply but this time Hanschen answered.

" He struggles in Latin and trigonometry. Occasionally he needs assistance in history. Despite these facts he isn't the worst in the class. That is Moritz." I sank in my seat.

Even with Hanschen being so cold I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He look so intense in red. It was indeed his color. It was such a long shot from our drab blue uniforms and it suited him so well. Before I had a chance to look away Hanschen caught me staring and tried to lock eyes. He always did like control. He had something brewing. The same jokers grin returned to his face as he looked at his father.

" Sounds like you could use a tutor. I have an idea! Hanschen why don't you tutor him. You are very gifted after all." I choked and had a coughing fit on my eggs. I looked up to see Hanschen calmly wipe his mouth clean.

" Wonderful idea father. Might I suggest the vineyard, Monday afternoon." all I could do was nod my head yes. I began to hyperventilate. I would be spending time alone with Hanschen after school. I pinched my leg to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

"Ow." Hanschen looked at me quizzically. I was awake as I began to massage where I had pinched. Oh my goodness! Hanschen alone after school was like a nightmare and dream wrapped into one package. I planned to be smooth but knew I would be the same old skittish Ernst. I snapped out of my thoughts when I realized the family was staring at me.

" The storm is calming down. I expect your mother will be worried sick." Mrs. Rilow had cleared away my plate and was taking everyone else's. I nodded understanding it was time for me to go home.

" Wait one second." Hanschen jumped form his seat and ran upstairs again. A few awkward moments passed as Hanschen's father and I sat in silence. Hanschen returned carrying a rain coat. " you can borrow my rain coat." I slipped it on. It was warm but big in the shoulders. Hanschen led me to the door.

" Thank you." I whispered looking at the floor cursing myself for the thoughts that flooded my mind as he smiled.

" See you Monday." His smile grew as he began to think. " Until then." He held the door open for me. I walked out but he put a hand on my shoulder. I tingled at his touch.

" Do take care of yourself. I would be upset if anything happened to my pupil." A gush of unintelligible syllables came out of my mouth as I wiggled in his touch wanting to get closer. Hanschen laughed and let go and with that he was gone.

The rain had tapered off into a light drizzle. I was beside myself with joy. I felt big and strong again in Hanschen's raincoat and I couldn't help but skip around in the puddles. I put my hands in the pocket of the raincoat and felt a paper brush up against my fingertips. I pulled it out and began to read.

_The words upon my lips travel out to alight softly on yours_

_My dearest love, my dearest one_

_Live within me_

_Be my shining light and I will help you see the world_

_Oh, how I long for you_

_Your terrible chastity_

_Your fluttering eyes_

_I will be yours_

_And you will be mine_

I gasped. Hanschen was in love and he had lost one of his love notes. I felt dirty reading it. I had peaked at something meant for someone else's eyes. My heart sank. Any hopes, how ever unlikely, of Hanschen and I getting together flitted away with the poem. I smiled weekly. Who ever Hanschen was in love with was a very lucky girl. She deserved him.

I soldiered on trying to find comfort in his clothes. I held tight to the poem dreaming it was meant for me but knowing it was not. I turned the bend and saw my house. I stopped cold feeling my world come crashing down around my ankles. Father stood on the front step sheltered by the over hang. He saw me and smiled. I knew from the very pit of me that things would only get worse but the priests words echoed in my head and I walked holding tight to the raincoat and the poem gripped safely in my hand. I walked right into the arms of the beast.

NOTE: i am not a poet and i don't pretend. also i got my first job as i lifeguard so i will be kind of busy and chapters are going to slow down a bit but i promise i will update as soon as possible.


	6. No More Whispering

Thanks for the reviews! They help so much!

My stomach clenched as I approached him. I willed my mind to turn black and not do anything stupid that would get me into trouble. After a walk down death row I finally reached him.

"Good to see you Ernst. I have a surprise for you out back." His voice was a hoarse whisper that made me cringe. I loved my father but the fear I had for him swallowed the love whole. Obediently I walked back around the house. The first thing I noticed was Moritz and his father standing by our shed. Moritz stepped uncomfortably from foot to foot as if he wanted to get away. His father smiled down at something that looked like a large rock.

As I drew closer I saw to my horror five dead rabbits piled one on top of the other. There small slender bodies all had a matted bloody mark of death and their eyes stared lifeless and pleadingly up at me.

"Great catch isn't it Ernst?" Moritz's father asked clearly very impressed with my father's murder. I glared back with a mixture of disgust and mild surprise. Moritz watched from a distance and I would catch him flicking his glance away when ever I looked at him.

"Help me bring them in the house so Mama can cook them tonight." Father's voice was right in my ear and made me jump. I gulped at the prospect of disturbing these poor corpses. My stomach roiled and turned and I wanted to refuse. These rabbits hadn't done anything wrong. They were innocent and Father killed them. I thought that that was the definition of slaughter but Father knew best. Their tawny fur was matted from the rain and my hand shook as I reached out to grab their feet. Tears pricked dangerously close at the corners of my eyes and threatened to spill over.

"Come on boy." My father smacked the back of my head. A tear slipped out but I hoped no one noticed because of the rain. Moritz flinched and began whispering to himself. I reached out and grabbed two rabbits and cursed my body for making my hands quiver. All the while Moritz's father watched as I peered over my shoulder seeking fathers approval. He picked up three rabbits; two in one hand. He nimbley slung them over his shoulder with out a single drop of remorse or respect for the dead.

We made our way back around to the front of the house. I held the rabbits as loosely as possible, trying to avoid touching their clammy flesh. I was fighting tears so fiercely I wasn't watching where I was going. I tripped and toppled to the ground. The rabbits fell into the mud and I felt my heart freeze.

"Why don't you watch what you are doing boy!" Father hit me hard across the face. Moritz gasped and flinched forward to help me but drew back and hesitated as he saw his own father.

" You run a tight ship, Herr Robel. Your boy knows his place. Good for you." Moritz's father gazed down at me. I tried very hard not to cry. I couldn't let myself show how hurt I was. Father had never hit me in front of others before and it frightened me how easily they accepted it. There was no one who could help me. Moritz watched whispering furiously to himself.

" Please excuse me Father I have homework I must finish." Moritz glanced anxiously from side to side. His father nodded his acknowledgment and Moritz bounded away. I was alone with the two fathers and and I watched as they made no attempt to help me up. Silently I pulled myself to my feet and gathered the rabbits. After a silent walk we got inside and Mother gasped on seeing me. She then hesitated on seeing Father. She held her tongue and words of worry and I silently thanked her for not saying anything about my night away from home.

She took the rabbits and set them on the counter and set to the task of cleaning me up. She wiped the stray flecks of mud gently from my face brought me new clothes that fit better than Hanschen's. I didn't want to put them on. I wanted to run to my room and snuggle into Hanschen's soft shirt. But that is not what men do. I had to be a man, Father had no respect for boys.

"Well it was good to see you but I must be off." Moritz's father left me standing alone with father in the room. He looked me over and shook his head. I was a disgrace to him and I knew I was a disgrace to the entire family. He walked away and made his way over to the liquor cabinet that was always well supplied. He took out a dark bottle and took a heavy swig. Mother watched from the kitchen and tried to hide her fear with a smile.

" Damn storm stopped my trip early. But I managed to get those five." He grumbled and tossed a glance at the rabbits. " Ernst, help your Mama skin them and get them ready for a stew." My eyes stretched open as I comprehended his words. He wanted me to peel the skin away and cut these sweet timid beasts to pieces. I knew I would not be able to get through it.

" Come on sweety." Mother called timidly from the kitchen. The worried look on her face showed she had little faith in my ability to preform the task also. " Just do your best." She said making a feeble attempt at reassurance. She handed me a sharp knife and the silver blade glinted up happily. She began, first slitting the rabbit down the center. My world began to spin and tip and black rimmed my vision. Mother saw me sway and grabbed my shoulder to balance me.

" Mama I don't feel well." I whispered pathetically trying to hide my nausea that was rising in the pit of my stomach. She glanced at Father and then back at me.

" Close your eyes. When ever he looks I will tap your foot and you must open them quickly. I will talk to you and you must listen and answer as if you could see what I am doing." she whispered so quickly and quietly it was tough to hear but I had managed to understand the plan. I slammed my eyelids shut blocking out the gristly sight. I began picturing myself out in the wild innocent and free. I was a rabbit far away from any trouble and any pain. A sharp tap roused me and I opened my eyes to see mama work the blade along the rabbits side.

"Now be sure not to go too deep." She said giving me a meaningful look.

"Yes Mama." she tapped my foot again and I closed my eyes. I was the rabbit again when a shot rang out. It was Father hunting me. Destroying me. A tap on my foot made me gasp and fling my eyes open. The bloody scene before me had multiplied but I was too busy marveling how my Father could sneak his way into my fantasies and turn them into nightmares.

" You hold it by it's feet, darling." Mama didn't glance up from her rapid work. She had to work fast enough to make it look like two people had accomplished the job.

" Of course." My voice was soft and almost nonexistent. My world rocked again and I had to close my eyes. The picture of Moritz so concerned over me fluttered into my mind's eye but shattered as I pictured him running away to go do homework we didn't have. It felt like everyday my world would shatter and I would have to build it all over again out of the rubble. Mama tapped my foot again and smiled at me.

" Very good, Ernst. You have been a great help." I stared down at my clean hands free of the blood that covered Mama's. I deliberately placed both hands into the sticky liquid that covered the counter. I couldn't feel anymore. I was too tired to be disgusted at the crimson blood of the blind and innocent. I imagined the blood as my sins and watched it slip down slowly onto my wrist. Father stood and came over. He looked at my hands and the pile of fresh meat on the counter. He grunted. No "good job Ernst" or an " I am so proud". He grunted again and went back to his throne. I was so very tired.

Silently I walked to my room. With out hesitation I flopped numbly onto the bed. I soon was asleep and dreams of screaming rabbits and dark shadowy hunters plagued my fitful slumber.

***

A knock at the door woke me.

"It is time for dinner, dear." My body felt stiff as if I had slept for months. I sat up to the sounds of my stomach grumbling out for food. The air smelled sweetly of the wonderful stew Mama had prepared. I moaned slightly debating whether I should skip dinner and go back to sleep or succumb to the growling demands of my stomach. After a minor battle my stomach won.

I straightened up in the bathroom so I would look semi presentable rather than mussed from sleep. The table was set beautifully in honor of Father's return and Mama smiled proudly over the table. I slipped into my seat in the middle of the table with Mama at one end and Father at the other. The meal quickly began after grace was said. Father ate in silence as Mother attempted a conversation. After observing our silence she gave up and ate quickly. It wasn't that I did not wish to talk to Mama I was afraid I would say something wrong and anger Father. It would not be the first time I had done it and been sent away with a black eye. The meal was wonderful but I imagined the rabbit's small faces too often to truly enjoy it.

After the meal was over Father paced back and forth in front of th fire place. His pacing made me worried. When Father paced he thought and when Father thought he thought about me. I glanced at him frequently looking for signs of an explosion. It was like watching a tiger preparing to pounce. I cleared the table away and did the dishes as Mama hummed quietly and sewed.

"Get out." Father said to Mother.

"But I.."

"Get out." Mother looked at me with one last furtive glance as I accepted my fate. For some odd reason I thought about the other boys in my class. I thought of them and wondered what they would do if I disappeared. I wondered if anyone would truly be sad if I just didn't come back. I was the silent boy who didn't have many friends. I was the observer who would peek at everyone shyly trying to understand them. No one would miss me all that much.

" Come here." Father beckoned me as he stared into the crackling fire. " Do you know what you did today Ernst?" He asked as he stared at me from way above. I felt so small, and young, and weak. I may be one of the tallest boys in class but I was nothing when Father looked at me. An ant could step on me and not notice.

" No, Father." I bit my tongue. I knew the fatal mistake I had made.

" What did you call me?" Fathers rage had hit a breaking point. " You are no son of mine!" Father didn't pause as he punched me in the eye. I staggered and fell trying to avoid the fireplace. I was numb to his hits and words and I only wanted to curl up and go to sleep.

" The stew was wrong!" He bellowed and I almost laughed. " You cut the rabbit wrong! All my hard work gone to waste." I chuckled to myself as I held my hands on my head and curled up on the floor. He hit me for the rabbits that I cut wrong. The humor gripped me and I began to laugh harder.

"What's so funny?" He picked me up and shook me like a dog. I didn't answer him and started to laugh and cry at the same time. He threw me to the ground. I landed hard on my wrist and I heard a pop. Pain rocket through my wrist and into my arm and I cried out. Father had heard the pop too and his rage suddenly disappeared.

" Go to bed." He said. I heard him from very far away. He seemed so distant compared to the pain within my body. I didn't move; only cradled my screaming wrist inspecting it with a painful curiosity. He picked me up by my collar and threw me towards the hallway. I moved hypnotized by the pain. I went into the bathroom and ran my wrist under freezing water trying to numb the pain away. My mind was fuzzy and I had to struggle against the lightheadedness that was seeping into my mind.

With a deep breath I squeezed my wrist back into place. I screamed and covered my mouth quickly. Tears exploded from my eyes and I sunk to the floor in pain. The pain was excruciating and it throbbed along with my racing heart.

After what felt like hours sitting on the floor I struggled to my feet and looked at myself in the mirror. A stranger gaped back. My eye had swollen to a dark unidentifiable mass and my other eye was red ringed from crying. I was pale and thin and looked like a little boy trapped in an old man's body.

"How old am I?" I whispered to the stranger in the blue mirror. No reply came and I began to cry again. A bang at the door made me jump.

"Go to bed." I heard his footsteps fade as he walk away and I slipped out and walked to my room. I bundled in my bed trying to stabilize my wrist. It throbbed and I whimpered and cooed to myself trying to find comfort in the dark but only finding emptiness.

Hours passed and every time I was about to fall asleep my wrist would fall slack and wake me with ripping pain. I was busy nursing my injury when a tap came at my window. I leaped from my bed expecting to see Father. Instead I saw an anxious Moritz tapping at my window looking around haunted by some unknown creature. I ran to the window and opened it to let him in. I backed up surprised and I tried to hide in the shadows.

" I'm sorry for waking you. But these dreams! I know you have them too and I just... there is no relief! They plague me and haunt me and keep sleep at bay!" Moritz paced and twitched. " You have to help me." Moritz paused in his pacing and truly looked at me. " Ernst? Did he?" I sat down on my bed unable to talk. Moritz sat next to me and lightly touched my face.

"What happened?" He said trying to look me in the eyes.

" He hurt me." My voice broke and I couldn't hold the tears in any longer. I put my head on Moritz's shoulder and cried. I kept mumbling he hurt me over and over again. It was the first time I had said aloud to anyone that my father had hurt me. Moritz stiffened and awkwardly patted me on the back. He began to whisper madly in that same unintelligible Latin.

" We didn't have Latin homework." I sniveled looking up into his face. He laughed.

" It is not Latin. I was ... thinking about what I would say to you." This answer took me aback. Why would he think about what he said to me? It didn't matter all that much. " That's what I have always been doing, Ernst. I worry that I will say something stupid." I wondered blankly why he cared what I thought when he suddenly tilted my head up.

" Well no more whispering anymore." Moritz pressed his lips against mine. For one white hot moment I couldn't think or feel. It was almost as if I had become something else. Moritz jumped back my own shock mirrored on his face. I was breathing heavily and my mind raced. Moritz had kissed me. The fact sounded so obscure and out of place in my mind. Moritz jumped to his feet; his anxiety suddenly multiplied. He couldn't keep still and his eyes darted around as if he were being trapped. He turned and ran back out the window.

Stunned I watched him leave and blindly held my eyes on the spot he had just been. The wind blew my white curtains in and they formed waltzing ghosts. Moritz was gone and I was numb. I felt so little but my heart crashed around. I was in so much pain but my body had willed me not to feel anything. Things felt wrong and rushed. As if the heat of summer had jumped to Moritz's head and he just needed somewhere to release. That is all I really was to people. A way to release. Father released his frustration on me and Moritz released his pent up wanting on me. He didn't want me. He wanted love, but he didn't want me. Who on earth would want me?

I got up and walked to the window. I looked out to see a clear night sky hanging above me. The darkness was deep and threatening but I had decided there were scarier things than the dark.

NOTE i hope you enjoyed that chapter. i know i may be stirring up some trouble with making ernst's first kiss moritz instead of hanschen but i thought it fit and i have plans for later so don't freak out too much.


	7. Heathen's Heart

thanks for all the reviews! i am not sure how i feel about this chapter but oh well let me know what you think :)

The next day passed in a blur of drifting in and out of consciousness. I preformed all of Father's tasks on auto pilot and managed to avoid his hand. He seemed different today and looked at my wrist as if he actually had remorse. I didn't allow hope to enter my system, I had learned not to hope a long time ago. After all my chores were finished I walked. There was no destined goal just an escape.

Things stretched out before me as if the world never ended. I wanted silence but the birds chirpped in my ear. After years of putting one foot in front of the other I decided to sit down. I looked around to find myself in the middle of the woods. I sat in silence trying to forget last night and Moritz and everything. If I pondered too long I would start to hurt and I had had enough hurting to last me a life time.

A squirrel popped out from the underbrush and scared me half to death. It paused in the middle of the clearing and examined me. It approached cautiously. I chuckled; not even squirrels were afraid of me. I had wanted to be alone so I wouldn't have to make up an excuse for the fresh black eye I had obtained but I didn't mind the squirrels company. He scampered nervously around and picked at seeds on the ground.

I found myself thinking of Moritz as I watched the skittish little creature live its blissfully ignorant life.

" Moritz had always been on the rim of my life. As children we would wave hello and be on our way. I was never invited to play pirates after class and he never joined me in my walks around town. We were separate but some how we had come together for one moment in time." I addressed the squirrel as it chattered happily at my feet.

As I thought I realized how alike Moritz and I were.

" We both were overwhelmed with these feelings that neither of us could handle or explain. He did worse at school than I did and he wasn't exactly the most popular boy. But as similar as we are the differences are what define us. Moritz was always on edge and trying to make things happen. I, on the other hand, take what comes to me. Last night Moritz had needed something to happen and so he made it happen." The squirrel seemed almost amused by my pondering thoughts and would bounce from place to place.

My logical thinking on Moritz's sudden and impulsive kiss surprised me. I had never been much a of a thinker. I preferred to listen to my emotions much more closely. I was starting to think Melchior had rubbed off on me.

" Melchior..." I whispered the name out loud trying to conjure him before me. The squirrel paused in its constant motion and looked at me with his head tilted slightly to the side.

"I don't know what I am going to do about him. Moritz had kissed me and Melchior is none the wiser. But everyone knows how close Melchior and Moritz are. What if Moritz tells him? I would never be able to see Melchior again!" The thought brought a sharp pain into my heart. I had grown fond of my protector. He seemed the only one who really cared about what happened to me. The squirrel flinched and seemed slightly startled by my sudden outburst.

" Well little Moritz, what should I do?" Suddenly the squirrel broke into a run and burst into a few bushes. I jumped to my feet and followed not knowing why. I didn't want to lose my conversation partner even though I knew he wouldn't give me any answers. The squirrel scrambled madly through the under brush and I stumbled frequently trying to keep up. After a ten minute dash through the woods I had lost little Moritz amongst the leaves and trees.

I surveyed my surroundings to find nothing familiar. The trees stood tall and cast great aged shadows. It was only noon but if I was not home in time for dinner Father would let loose. A sickening feeling of panic started tingling at my toes. I had never been lost before and I found the experience very frightening.

I began to walk aimlessly trying to find my way back to the little clearing. When I saw a broken branch my heart fluttered hoping it was one I had broken in my manic chase after the squirrel. I ran and burst through the bushes to find a decrepit building looming over me.

I knew this house. There was not a kid in our town who didn't. The ancient building was reported as haunted by hundreds of spirits and if any one dared to enter they would be dragged off into the underworld. Boarded shudders and a door half off it's hinges added to the effect. This was not a place I wanted to be but the fear had me firmly rooted. I flashed back to a memory of Melchior spinning a vivacious tale of his experience in this house. He had made Anna run home crying and even Hanschen left making an excuse that his mother needed him. I had stayed watching as Melchior's eyes lit up just remembering his experience. After that ghost story no one was brave enough to visit the house.

I was about to leave when I noticed a candle lit in one of the windows. My heart quivered with anxiety. I couldn't leave the candle burning, it could cause a fire. I hiked up my britches and put a brave face on. The worst thing that could happen was that I would chicken out and run away.

I pushed the door aside with an ominous creek and looked around. The entire house was encased in dust and I tried to hold back my mild disgust at the hairy spider legging across the floor. The flickering light from the candle was cast out into the hallway and I was surprised to find my courage holding fast. I took a step in and the groaning creak of the boards made me jump.

" Oh my." I was beginning to have second thoughts when I heard a faint noise echoing out from the room where the candle still flickered erratically. The noise drifted up into my ears and I soon realized it was a boy crying. My heart rate increased ten fold as my active imagination conjured up torture chambers and ghosts. I quickly prayed to god for protection as I made my way silently forward.

I stood, my back against the wall, as a great battle of courage and cowardice raged through my mind. For once in my life the courage won and I peeked over. What I saw made me gasp.

Melchior sat at a desk his head propped up by his hand. He had a book beneath him and tears slipped out from his eyes and onto the pages. I stood transfixed as Melchior turned the page and continued to cry. I watched silently, while for the next five pages his eyes never left the book and my eyes never left him.

Suddenly he closed the book and looked up. He looked directly into my eyes and my heart stopped.

" What are your doing here?" His voice rose in alarm and anger as he pawed at his cheeks. I began to back away slowly. Melchior stood up and pulled me back into the room and sat me on one of the moth eaten chairs. " What on earth are you doing here Ernst?" He talked to me as if I was a misbehaved child and at the moment I felt like one. He didn't seem angry but he looked stern and strict.

" I was lost in the woods... and the candle... I'm sorry." The tears started to flow and I felt like a stupid baby for crying like this but I was so sorry that I had upset Melchior. My tears softened him slightly and he put a hand through his hair. He turned his back and paced a few steps deep in thought. I sat miserably with my hands folded in my lap while I waited for Melchior to speak again. After what seemed like years of hanging suspended on his lips he began to speak.

" We are even." He smiled and I became more confused.

" Even? I don't understand." He laughed as I hung my head. At least the tears had stopped.

" I watched you pray and you watched me cry. We are even now." As if this had been a trade he held out his hand so I could shake it. I grasped it lightly and he pumped my arm up and down. He went to retract but I gripped his hand tighter. I didn't want him to take his hand away. I didn't want him to disappear.

" Ernst, whats wrong?" Melchie knelt closer concern etched in his face. I didn't trust my lips to reply so I just shook my head back and forth. My breathing came fast and I was worried I was having a panic attack. Thoughts flashed in my head as I tried to get a hold of myself. I had to tell Melchior what happened between Moritz and I. There was no avoiding it. I had to tell him before Moritz did.

" Melchie, last night..." My lip quivered and I had to bite it to keep it from trembling.

" What did your father do?" Melchie's eyes flashed and his free hand went up gently to my bruised eye.

"No it wasn't him... I... something happened." My words were broken and gasping as I tried to force the facts out from my between my teeth. Melchior gazed at me his confusion evident. His free hand drifting lightly to my shoulder where it rested. Guilt began to riddle my body. I couldn't lay more responsibility on Melchior, he had already helped me so much.

" Hanschen said he would tutor me." I looked down hoping he wouldn't see the lie in my eyes. He didn't move away from me but I knew I couldn't touch him any longer. I pried my hand away from his and shrugged away from his touch. Not persuaded by my feeble words he remained kneeling looking up at me, his mouth hanging in a suspended state of disbelief.

" Hanschen? And what will he be teaching you?" His teeth began to clench and I began to fret that I had made things worse by bringing up Hanschen.

" W-w-well with the end of term so near I thought maybe he could help me prepare. But if you don't approve I will certainly cancel!" I didn't want to do anything that Melchie didn't condone .

" I can't tell you how to live your life Ernst." Melchie turned away and stood up his shoulders slumped. I stood and was about to put my hand on his shoulder when I thought better of it.

" I – I thought about asking you but I thought you would have your hands full with Mor-" My throat collapsed and wouldn't let me utter his name. Melchie turned and examined my face. He searched for a long time but I didn't know what he was looking for.

" I do not teach those kinds of things." his voice was strained " I never tutor Moritz. Everything he does, he does on his own." I looked at the dirty floorboards unable to meet his intense gaze.

" But then what do you teach?" My voice cracked as I stuffed my hands deep within my pockets. Melchior's gaze relaxed and he smiled a bit.

" Sit down and I will tell you." tentatively I sat back down in the musty moth eaten chair. Melchie swung an old wooden chair so the back was facing me. He swung his legs over and straddled the chair inching it closer so I could feel his breathe on my face.

" I teach of life and the things I discover." He glanced from side to side as if about to utter a big secret. " You see, life is like a fun house full of mirrors. Man steps in and sees himself projected a million times into the past and future. He can spend a life time blindly groping around at smooth surfaces trying to find the real him. He can walk forever in and back over himself and still end up in the same spot." Melchie's excitement began to climb as I sat trying to comprehend.

" That seems a very solitary existence... what about god? He is always there." I tried to show him I understood but he laughed and I felt so beneath him.

" What is the use of a bright light in a hall full of mirrors? All it does is reflect back and blind you. You can't just except the maze. You have to go in with a hammer and create the cracks!"

" But what about friends? If life is truly like this then you sitting here talking to me has nothing to do with anything!" I was beginning to get flustered as I floundered desperately in his words. His excitement faded and he drew back slightly, thinking deeply.

" Sometimes man sees someone else's reflection along with his own." We sat in silence as I tried to absorb his words. I closed my eyes trying with every bit of me to understand how Melchie thought.

A light tug pulled a button on my shirt open. I gasped and threw my eyes open to see Melchie's hand gently working on the next one.

" What are you.." He cut me off with a finger to my lips. His hand slid lightly over my shoulder and I couldn't hold back. I looked into his eyes and prayed to god that I would not get hurt. Melchie had made light work of my shirt and it was now completely unbuttoned. He placed a hand right over my heart. My breathing was fluttering and my heart rattled but I didn't dare push him away even if I had wanted to. I knew I had to distract myself or things would become very complicated.

" Why do you," I gasped as his hand moved slowly down towards my waist " Why do you stay here with all these books?" I pulled my eyes away from his and dragged it across the book shelves filled with mass volumes of unknown literature. He smiled but didn't take his hand away.

" Do you think I got all my knowledge from the censored library at school. These books are the unwanted refuse that the parents toss away. They are deemed too radical for our innocent minds." The way he had uttered the word innocent made tingles shoot like electric shock waves up and down my spine . This was all too much. He was too close and I was too willing to accept his touch. I closed my eyes and lighter than air placed a kiss on his cheek.

I coughed in surprise at my own impulsive actions. I covered my mouth with my hand trying to hold in anymore surprise moves.

" You were close but you missed. Let me try this time." Melchior's voice was a low rumble and before I knew it his lips were on mine in a deep passionate kiss. I pushed half heartedly at his chest but gave in with out a fight. I lost myself in a euphoric state somewhere between his top and bottom lip.

His mouth traveled down my jaw line as he came up closer working our bodies so he could be as close as possible. I moaned as his kisses intensified. This was no Moritz. Moritz had been so brief and nervous. Melchior was confident and seemed to know what he was doing. I had never felt so alive and brave before as I entangled my fingers in Melchie's hair.

The door to the house moaned but I dismissed it as the wind. I didn't want anything to ruin this moment.

" Melchie you must help me! Something happened last night! Ernst and I ..." Moritz stood in the door way his mouth agape in shock. My body stiffened as all feelings of pleasure dripped out from my heart. I tried to throw Melchie off of me but he was already easing off slowly. I tried to speak but my tongue made knots of my words and a gruesome jumble of consonants came spilling out. Melchie seemed just as speechless but he quickly recovered.

" Moritz, I can explain." He started towards Moritz but Moritz tossed his hands out in front of him.

" I have to go." Moritz's face was unbearable to see as he tripped backwards trying to walk away. He scrambled to his feet again and I jumped as he slammed the door behind him. My mouth bobbed up and down like a dying fish and I felt like I was drowning in the air. Things had seemed so perfect between Melchior and now, well, now there was nothing.

Melchior stood staring out at the emptiness Moritz had left behind him. His fists were balled up tight and he quivered from head to foot.

" I think it is time for you to go." He didn't look at me and I felt my heart being ripped to pieces. I edged my way around the room and paused at the door way. He had been mine for a little while. I knew he probably regretted every second of it but I held fast to the fact that I could always have this memory.

" Good bye Melchie." I whispered each word with a secret wish that he could still be mine. The tears began to flow and I let them fall. There was no use in avoiding my pain I knew it would only multiply.

As I stumbled through the woods trying to deny my bodies urges I felt god slipping from me. I didn't want that to happen. If he left I would have no body. I grasped at his thought and knew that if I just held on I could make it through the mirrors.

NOTE:next chapter is the vineyard scene! i am excited to write it:)


	8. So Peacful

thank you for all the reviews they were amazing. i am glad you guys liked the last chapter:)

The golden setting sun cast a stark contrast to the black emotions running through me. I winced at each crack of a twig as I stumbled blindly back through the woods. By a work of god I managed to not get lost again as I came upon the road. I wanted to just keep walking and walk right out of my life but the obedience ingrained deep with in me stopped me from running away. I wished everything from the last two days disappeared. Even before I was done thinking it I knew that the thought was a lie. I wanted Melchie. Everything in my body had felt good and right when we were together but the after math was quite the contrary.

As I walked I felt my heart being tugged along on a string behind me. With each passing step it broke a little more. I tried to figure out why everything went so wrong. I tried for a moment to blame it on Moritz but I knew that wasn't right. He was just as lost as I was and he didn't know what Melchie was doing. Then Melchior came to mind but I banished the thought. That only left me as a possibility. I must have done something to fracture my own life.

Before I knew it my house loomed menacingly over my head. The knob glinted happily in the fading light and with out a second thought I opened it. Father's hands were ready as they dragged me roughly through the threshold.

" Where have you been! You should have been here to help your mother!" A shove sent me painfully to the ground but I knew any physical pain could never come close to the emotional pain I felt right now. Father swayed on his feet but managed to reach down and pull me up again. His sour alcohol tainted breath made my stomach roil.

" Please." My voice came softly looking for merciful ears. He smiled and rocked even more on his feet. He pushed me away just in time to avoid being dragged down with him as he fell with a loud thump on the couch. Motionless, he lay sprawled with his eyes closed. For a split second I hoped he had died. I gritted my teeth as I quickly examined his body. The gentle rise and fall of his chest told me he had merely passed out. I felt ashamed I had wished harm on my Father and knelt by his side. I knew from the deepest part of me that it was god who had made him pass out and who had saved me from another beating. I sent a quivering hand to rest lightly on his forehead which was soaked in sweat. Father began to shiver violently and I went to fetch a blanket.

I came back to find Mother hovering over him with a blanket already secured tightly over his shoulders.

" Dear I think you should eat and go off to bed. You know what kind of mood he is in when he wakes up." Mother didn't even bother to look at me and the concern in her eyes for Father made me squirm with jealousy. I had no appetite so I walked to my room. I eased the door shut behind me avoiding a slam and sat at my desk.

It was an awkward hour that was to late to do anything but to early to go to bed. My cherished bible lay opened and I began to read the pages. As I read I prayed to god to show me what I was doing wrong. Story after story I saw these biblical men getting married to wonderfully pure girls. I began to read with more fervor and again and again I saw people falling in love and being happy and having a splendid life. I knew I was different than them but if it was so easy to love a girl why couldn't I?

After an hour of reading I concluded I wasn't trying hard enough. I knew that if I could just let go of Melchie god would help me fix all my problems. The moon had just started peaking over the trees when I crawled into bed. The instant my eyes fluttered shut images of Melchie close and beautiful exploded into my mind's eye. I sat bolt upright and chastised myself for being so easily and anxious from the temping thoughts I jumped to my feat and began pacing. Sleep was obviously not an option tonight as even being awake brought a constant battle against playing back todays events. I scoured my room looking for any distraction and finally came to my school books lying unopened in the corner. With a start I remembered my tutoring session with Hanschen tomorrow and groaned. I couldn't risk being close to him, at least not after my resolution.

I began to think if I showed off tomorrow at school he would find the lesson unnecessary. I began pouring over every book. And didn't stop until day break.

***

As the sun rose my eyes stung from lack of sleep and twisting trigonometry. I had stayed up the entire night and managed to avoid slipping into a dream filled world. I knew all of Latin and could do trigonometry in my sleep if I would permit myself to fall asleep.

It was early but I knew I had to get to school before Moritz even thought about waking up. I knew if I saw him I would lose my nerve and stay home sick. With out a warning the image of Moritz's face at the haunted house floated into my vision and his pain wrung my heart dry.

Squeezing back all thoughts I rushed into my uniform and demolished an apple. I was out of the house in five minutes only stopping briefly to survey my Father's chest rising and falling reassuringly as he slept off the liquor on the couch.

I walked steadily to school feeling confident I wouldn't meet anyone along the way. The little school house rose over the hill and to my dismay I saw a figure standing silhouetted against the sun. my feet dragged as I tried to avoid any confrontation. As I drew closer my heart crashed hard in my chest as Melchior's face became recognizable. He tried to welcome me but his face was caught half way between thought and greeting.

" I figured you would be up early." His voice was soft and sounded older than usual. " I think we need to talk." His sincerity made me draw closer but I knew if I tried to take one more step I would never walk away.

" There is nothing to talk about. What happened was wrong. I shouldn't even be near you. I shouldn't be talking to you." My voice didn't hold a single ounce of persuasion as I held my eyes glued to the ground.

" But you are here and you are talking to me. You know you don't believe a word your saying." With out realizing it I had taken a few steps closer to Melchie and noticed with a new tear in my heart that Melchie's eyes were red rimmed from what I knew had to be crying. Melchie opened his arms and came slowly toward me. The embrace was light as if he was trying to hold me there with out actually feeling me in his arms. Hands shaking I pushed him away, my entire body screaming at me to return to his safe harboring arms.

" This isn't right! The bible says..." My voice cracked and I slammed my eyes shut locking back any tears.

" And what does the bible say, Ernst? Does it say who you are? Does it say who to love? Tell me Ernst, does it say..." his anger was evident as he paced furiously throwing his hands wildly into the air.

" I don't know but maybe... maybe it will help." A few tears slipped out against my will and I wiped them away with the hem of my shirt. I turned my back and walked into the school house only half hoping he would follow me.

I eased into my chair and rubbed at my sleepless eyes. Slowly the room began to fill with the others as they chatted happily. Melchior was the last one in and I stared expectantly waiting for Moritz to come bursting in racing against the first bell. The teacher took his seat but there was no dramatic crash of the door or flustered dash to the seat next to me. I gazed blankly at the empty seat where Moritz should have been until a sharp tap on my desk brought me back.

The professor gazed down at me and I sifted through my brain for the answer to the question on the board. It came out of the facts I had compiled from last nights study session. I answered his question with out hesitation and the room fell into an eerie silence.

" Ernst, we haven't studied that yet. That is two chapters ahead" His mouth hung open as if he were going to say more but it quickly shut and he skulked back to the front of the room. All eyes glanced back at me and in particular I could feel Hanschen's icy blue eyes boring deep into me.

That answer opened an onslaught from the teacher. He tried testing me in every subject and I didn't fumble once. With each passing answer the looks from the other boys became more frequent and longer until the entire room had an unbreaking trance on me as the teacher scoured his books for an answer I didn't know. My academic success was bitter sweet knowing that as soon as I went to sleep my mind would become a sieve and let all the facts drift away.

The day carried on slowly with each question marking another Moritzless minute. I wanted desperately to talk to him and make some attempt at an apology.

Suddenly Melchie's hand shot into the air. He had been the only one not gaping at my show of knowledge and suddenly there was a matter he urgently had to bring to light. His hand stood patiently in the air but the teacher had learned that if he indulged in Melchior's questions the class would became a debate room and he would never be able to get on track. He continued his endless questions but was suddenly interrupted by a loud screech as Melchie pushed his chair back and stood up.

" Yes, what is it?" The professor huffed as Melchie stood belligerently gazing down at the man.

" What does the bible say on same sex couplings?" The room fell into a dry bone silence as a gasp escaped my lungs. The professor's cane came down with a crack that pushed Melchie back into his seat.

"It is an abomination!" The rest of the teacher's words came out as frazzled grunts. With out a pause Melchie's hand shot up again and I buried my head into my arms. The teacher's morbid curiosity and rage got the better of him as he acknowledge Melchie to speak.

" Is nature an abomination?" This question left the teacher momentarily lost for words as he tried to read Melchie's thoughts.

" Nature is a beautiful thing and in no way an abomination." Melchie stood again his excitement growing.

" Then the bible is wrong!" The crack of the cane sent him back into his chair. He rubbed his shoulder but smiled broadly.

" There have been documented cases of animals of the same gender coupling in nature." Melchie's voice was a victorious outraged whisper.

The teacher had no reply but to hit Melchie again and three times more. The blows had no effect as Melchie sat beaming triumphantly and gripping his desk tightly with both hands.

Finally with a frustrated sigh the teacher dismissed the class. I gathered my things slowly giving a sidelong glance at Hanschen and trying to let Melchie's words sink in. Hanschen had gathered his books and was already at the door. My heart fluttered with a strange mixture of joy and disappointment as I hoped he had forgotten about our tutoring session.

" Come Ernst, I hope you haven't forgotten about our little study session." His voice was droll as he paused and turned to face me at the door. I quickened my pace trying to move faster in hopes time would follow suit. I followed him out and after a short walk the vineyard materialized. The green leaves created a wall blocking us from the world.

The walk had been silent and I hoped it would remain that way. I sat down and pulled up my bag fully intent on retrieving books. With a cool ease Hanschen slipped my hands from my bag and tossed it a few yards away.

" But how am I supposed to learn with out my books." My voice was a feeble murmur that got swallowed up by Hanschen's laugh.

" After todays little show I doubt there is anything I could teach you." Suddenly footsteps sounded through the eaves and Melchior broke through. He frowned and glanced briefly at the both of us sitting side by side. He frowned and was about to leave when he turned and looked back at me.

" Remember. . . nature is beautiful." With one last desperate look between Hanschen and I he turned and disappeared from view.

" Really! Ignore him Ernst, he just doesn't enjoy being out of the lime light. He always has to stir up trouble." Hanschen seemed genuinely displeased that Melchie had made the brief passing but as quickly as the irritation had shown it vanished under a relaxed arrogant smile. No matter what Hanschen said I couldn't ignore Melchior. His lips and eyes came into view and completely drowned out Hanschen's voice.

A battle for my attention began and was split into three parts. One part, how ever small, tried to focus on Hanschen the other larger part was creating visions of Melchior and the equally large part was trying to squelch the burning flames brought on by the visions.

Bells chimed and broke me momentarily from my tormented battle. Hanschen gazed deeply at me.

" So peaceful." he cooed trying to hold my attention. I worked up a smile trying to mask my inner thoughts.

" I know." I began to spin an elaborate tale about how I wanted to be pastor. I was hoping god heard and would appreciate my servitude. What I really wanted was Melchior to return and save me from everything. Hanschen gazed disbelievingly at me.

" You can't be serious. Dear Ernst, you are such a sentimentalist." I stared at him comprehending his words. I wanted to reply that if I didn't hang on to the sentiment then I would die but I thought better and held my tongue. With Hanschen so near I held many things back. The battle with my body raged on and was exacerbated by Hanschen sliding closer. His next few words were lost as I shivered away the feelings.

" Trust me." He inched even closer. Why should I trust you? My brain scratched at the question. I had no logical reason to trust Hanschen or anybody. But still I always gave my whole heart away at the slightest drop of the hat. I knew whether I wanted to or not I would trust Hanschen. I trusted so easily and forgave just as easily. Melchior had been right and I knew now he had been right about everything. Hanschen continued on but I paid little attention. He took my silence as agreement and inched closer with every new sentence. I let him get closer not truly sure why. Thoughts of Melchior's smooth lips and soft hands became vivid in my mind and Hanschen's warmth made them feel almost real.

" Well, I'm like a pussy cat. I just skim off the cream."

" Skim off the cream." My own voice surprised me and brought me back to earth. I tried to calculate how long I had been drifting in thought but was interrupted by Hanschen's face a few inches from mine. He began to laugh softly and at the moment I couldn't stand to hear him laugh at me a moment longer.

" Your laughing, why? Hanschen!" He silenced me with a look and I realized how piercing his blue eyes were. They stopped my heart and sent it into a tumult of erratic thrashing beats. He was very close and I could see each little hair growing on his face. It seemed soft and I wanted to reach out and touch. Suddenly he jumped to his feet and continued on his speech. I sat paralyzed my hand hanging in mid air trying to focus all my strength on restraining these sinful urges.

After a few moments more Hanschen sat and with a deep sigh pushed his lips against mine. My world shattered and fell to earth. I turned my head away.

" Oh god." All this was impossible. I had had everything fixed, or at least as fixed as they were ever going to get, but now this.

" Mmm, I know." Hanschen's voice was a purr. He didn't know. He never would. Melchior was right again.

" When we look back thirty years from now tonight will seem unbelievable beautiful." He wormed his way under me until I was nearly sitting in his lap. I didn't want thirty years from now. I wanted the present. I was so tired of waiting for a savior or a brighter day. I need something to make my life good and to make me feel loved. I thought I had that with Melchior but he wasn't here, Hanschen was.

" And in the mean time?" It was more a question to myself than Hanschen.

" Why not?" I could think of a million reasons why not but none of them mattered. All that mattered was the need I felt and Hanschen's lips so close to mine. I rushed close and pushed my lips into a deeper more passionate kiss. I felt the eyes of the world on me as I explored my lust with another boy.

" On my way here this afternoon I thought we would only talk." The words came out in between lips and a smile pulled at the corners of my mouth.

" Are you sorry we..." Hanschen frowned and I knew I couldn't risk losing his lips.

" No I love you Hanschen! As I have never loved anyone." The words broke my heart but they were true. I didn't love Melchior the same way I loved Hanschen. I loved Hanschen's control and his ability to take over and make me forget. Melchior was a deeper love and had meaning but I knew it could never work. Melchior was out of reach and Hanschen was at my fingertips.

" And so you should." Hanschen pushed me lightly onto my back once again taking control.

" I'm going to be wounded." The words came out a breathless whisper as Hanschen's lips trailed my jaw line.

" I'm going to bruise you." My eyes flew wide as the image of my fathers blows came into mind. For once in my life I had an opportunity to bruise someone else. Hanschen was vulnerable with his body so close to mine. He had his ears open and I could tell him anything in the world.

" I'm going to be your bruise." It wasn't exactly what I wanted to say but filled the air with sound. I tried to work up all the nerve in my minuscule arsenal. I pulled his body away until I was wrapped into his arms and sitting in his lap.

"Hanschen." I whispered and grabbed onto his collar to keep the world and him from drifting away.

" Yes?" His voice was distant as if he were reliving the moments past.

" My Father abuses me." and the easy smile faded from his lips.

NOTE : ok so i wanted to warn you that from here on out things are alittle out of order but will still follow the general plot of spring awakening. also i wanted to explain why i think the multiple pairings work. 1 in such a strict community kids will find any way they can to break the rules. 2 it is common for teens to experiment in the same sex ( this is mostly for moritz) 3 boys are more available. it is improper to hang out with girls but it is ok for them to spend all their time with a guy so its easier to get at. 4 i always thought there was competition between Melchior and Hanschen this just kind of spurs the relationship on as they try to one up each other. 5 Ernst is an easy target. he is shy and sensitive and easily seduced and very sentimental. also he is adorable :) i hope that makes the whole three guys after little Ernst ok thanks again and reveiws are great :)


	9. Even

thanks a lot for the reviews! they keep me writing :)

Hanschen stiffened beneath me and the hand he had been trailing through my hair froze mid stroke. Time stood still as I waited for a reply but it never came.

"Please say something. Hanschen..." My stomach slipped a few feet as he slipped out from under me and stood, leaving me sitting on the moist grass.

" How... unfortunate." Hanschen's eyes darted from side to side as he took a few steps away. The dew had started to seep through my clothes and I shivered. " Really must be going now. Exams are tomorrow and I could use a good nights sleep." He turned and walked away into the sun set. His abrupt exit and formal tone escaped me and I couldn't understand how he could leave me sitting alone after what had just happened. I flashed back to the day at the pond where he had caused such a mess and slipped away. He was leaving me stranded as he had left Otto stranded.

" Hanschen, wait!" I shouted after him causing his stride to pause. " I thought you..." My voice trailed off as I tried to put how Hanschen felt about me into words. Nothing came to mind. I knew he didn't love me but I thought he may at least care for me. " I thought you cared."

Hanschen turned to face me but his eyes were distant. He was strange and new to me. I had seen him almost everyday of my life but now he was a stranger amongst these familiar surroundings.

" Caring is a loaded word. Who is to say what caring is and isn't." He looked down and shoved his hands into his pockets.

" Why did you touch me? Why did you have to take me into all this?" The question was a twitter into the fading light and caused Hanschen to pause once again. He turned and twisted his lips into a smile.

" You might as well have been asking me to! You always sat there mooning, with those big brown eyes! That day at the pond, you honestly couldn't believe that I didn't notice your bathing suit...tighten." His eyes trailed down and I brought my knees up around my chin. " Was it really so bad? Would you change it? If things are what you say they are then you could use a gentle touch." I pushed myself up to my feet and ran to Hanschen's side. He had started to walk away and I grabbed his hand and laced his fingers in mine.

" Hanschen, you have t-t-to" I stamped my foot angered at my anxiety and persistent stutter. Hanschen didn't turn to face me and gently disengaged his fingers from mine.

" Ernst, you are sweet and naive and innocent. Who am I to take that from you?" I blushed against my will at his words but knew they were empty. He was looking for a way to escape. I put my hand on his shoulder and tugged like a child would on a father's sleeve. He turned and looked quizzically at me.

" Will you at least say goodbye?" The request sounded meager at best but caused Hanschen to smile. My heart skipped a beat as he brushed his lips softly against mine.

" Who says I am going anywhere?" I watched him disappear and felt the air grow heavy with his absence.

I straightened my clothes and did the best I could to rub the grass stains out. I played the last hour back in my mind and realized what had caused its sudden end. When I had told Hanschen my secret I had taken control away from him. Hanschen needed control. I had been a fool to think Hanschen could take my news in stride.

As I walked home I realized Hanschen's reaction didn't surprise me; it didn't even hurt very much. I was so tired of having things taken away from me but now there was nothing left to take. Hanschen had been my last hope at a savior and he was long gone.

The golden sun crackled in the fading light and the earth slowed in its persistent spinning. Some where between the morning and night I had lost myself. I couldn't seem to find a trace of the old Ernst; all that was left was a hardened shell of a boy who didn't know where he was headed.

" It is not fair!" I kicked a rock towards my house that was approaching much faster than I liked. I knew I couldn't go home. Father would be up and have a headache and take it out on me. As I got closer I turned left and walked down a road I rarely traveled.

The road twined through the many house all lined up perfectly like china plates, little roses budding at the rims. Everything on the outside looked wonderful and endearing but behind closed doors I could only guess at what happened. As I passed Martha's house the door flung open and she came stumbling out. She was shaken and swayed on here feet dangerously close to toppling over. I ran to her side and tried to steady her.

" Martha, are you alright?" She quickly put on a meek smile and shrugged her shoulders.

" Just fine. Thanks." In her hasty stumble her sleeve had slipped up and a dark purple hand print wrapped around it as if someone had grabbed her. She caught me looking and yanked her sleeve back down.

" How are you?" Her voice was harsh and made me look back at her face. Her deep brown eyes seemed so familiar. I had seen them before reflected in my own bathroom mirror. A pang of sympathy twinged at my heart.

" Just fine." The words came out with a heavy knowledge of what was going on. Unspoken words flew between us as I left my hands on her shoulders.

" What are you doing here? Your house is the other way." Martha tried valiantly to hold back tears that were budding just behind her long eyelashes.

" Getting away." Martha nodded her head and peered at me from beneath her braids.

" I.. I.. understand. I hear the hay loft is a nice place to get away. Its got soft hay to sleep on and it is very quiet. I mean, if your looking for something like that." She looked at the gravelly road and pushed her lips into a tight line. I wondered how many times she had escaped to the hay loft and slept the night away amongst the barn mice.

" Maybe I will go up there for a visit. Thank you." I smiled trying to cheer her up. If nobody wanted to help me at least I could try and help her. " And what are you going to do?"

" Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm fine." She said the words as strong as she could trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince me. I glanced from side to side to make sure no one was coming. I leaned closer to her and whispered in her ear.

" I know things are... hard. I hear the church's pews are very comfortable. It is almost always very quiet." She looked up and smiled with a deep gratitude.

" Thank you." her voice was soft and sincere and warmed me. She nodded and began to walk down the road towards the church her eyes wandering into thought. I watched her go and knew I found a friend that I could talk to. Maybe not about the truth but about quiet soft places. As she climbed the hill she turned and called out.

" I will light a candle for you, Ernst!" She was silhouetted beautifully in the dying light and her dress shifted in the wind. My heart cracked and a bit of warmth leaked out.

" Put it in the window!" I called back. She waved her hand in the air and she left her words behind her. The thought of Martha lighting a candle for me, the thought that she might pray for me, made me smile. The knowledge that I was not entirely alone made me feel a little braver as the first stars of the approaching summer night broke through the clouds.

I tried for a moment to be in love with Martha. She was a pretty girl, a bit homely, but none the less a pretty girl. I badgered my heart and tried to get it to beat quickly at the thought of Martha's hair but instead Melchie's dark hair came to mind and caused the heart pounding excitement. Desire and disappointing flooded me. I didn't give up hope and kept trying to picture Martha.

The road to the hay loft was not very long and was made shorter by my attempt at loving Martha. It came into view as the waltzing fireflies illuminated its red siding. Gratitude swelled in me. If Martha had not suggested it I never would have thought to come here and I would have ended up wandering half the night and being exhausted for exams the next day.

As I got closer I noticed the front door hanging slightly ajar. My approached slowed as I hoped no one was in there. Soft moans confirmed my fear and made me pause outside the doors. I listened as the voices grew and softened in a soothing rhythm. I recognized a girls voice and a boys voice but the musical grunts couldn't tell me who they were. Curiosity pushed at my legs but I tried to resist, knowing it was not my place to spy. I walked around to the back of the barn and sat down cross legged to watch the fireflies dance. The bullfrogs added a soft thumping bass to the cricket's chirruping violins. Their beautiful symphony got me to my feet and I spun by myself for a few moments. I imagined myself dancing with Melchie and I let him take the lead. A few weeks ago I might have pictured Hanschen or Moritz waltzing in the field with me but my heart had aged. Hanschen's physical attraction still remained and I wanted to feel his corn silk hair slip through my fingers but Melchie's heart was what kept my feet moving to the beat.

The moon cast a spotlight on my lonely waltz and tossed a skeleton shadow into the tall grass. Just for a while I was enjoying my solitude. The world couldn't see me and the creatures didn't judge. There were no hands to fear or lips to long for. I was innocent again; purified by the moon's cold light.

The barn door creaked open and I peaked around to see who was leaving it. Wendla appeared, her dress slightly unbuttoned. She was glowing radiantly and I smiled as she scampered away. A few moments later Melchior appeared, his trousers pulled up around his waist and his shirt slung over his shoulder. My eye brows knit together in confusion and I came dangerously close to exposing myself. The moon shown brightly off his chest but he seemed upset rather than giddy, like Wendla had been. In a sudden explosion he punched the barn door. I jumped and tripped over my own shoe laces.

Sprawled out flat on my face I closed my eyes as I heard footsteps approaching quickly. I didn't want him to find me like this but fear paralyzed me.

" Oh no." The footsteps stopped and his voice rang out in the empty air. I slowly picked my head up as a raging blush colored me brightly. " What did you see?" His voice was riddled with anxiety and I wondered at his sudden fear. I pulled myself up onto my elbows and tried to hide beneath my curtain of hair. " What did you see Ernst?" Melchie had scrambled to his knees and held my head in his two hands. A manic fear tainted his eyes as he breathed heavily. His heart hammered in his palm and his mouth twisted into a frown. I tried to find comfort in staring at the ground but Melchior's hands prevented any form of retreat. I wiggled my head trying to worm away but he held fast.

" Nothing! I didn't see anything. I was dancing." The words came out quicker than my mind could work and I whimpered softly, frightened at Melchior's intense state. He slumped backwards and I sat scared at his sudden mood swing. " I'm sorry." Tears trembled at the corners of my eyes. I only wanted him to be happy but every time I came into his life he seemed to be upset that I was there.

He shook his head and sighed. His eyes stayed closed for a long time and I wanted to comfort him but I didn't know what was wrong.

" I've failed you again. I should go. I'm sorry." I frowned as he started to get up and go. I didn't want him to leave.

" No, please, stay." My voice was soft and trembly as I tried to shake away Melchior's fear. I wouldn't let him run away. I needed the truth, but mostly I just didn't want to be alone in the dark. He sighed so heavily I began to regret my decision. He knelt back down and faced me, his eyes wounded and searching.

" What happened with Hanschen?" The question startled me and I drew my knees to my chest trying to hide behind them.

" I don't know." I was trying to be honest but I didn't want Melchior to be upset with me again. My face blushed maddeningly as I relived the brief moments I had shared with Hanschen. He frowned and shook his head.

" I knew it. You love him don't you?" His voice was tired and accusing. My chin bobbed and I stumbled over my tongue, my nervous stutter accentuating my speechlessness. I had told Hanschen I loved him but now, so far away from his convincing blue eyes I questioned my heart. " It is ok. You don't have to explain anything to me." Melchior stood up and brushed his pants off.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him back to the ground. My heart roared as he fell to his knees again. He had to understand how I felt, if only my heart would be eloquent enough to explain.

" I'm sorry." My eyes stayed wide in fear of his departure and a few lonely tears slid down my cheeks. " I'm trying, I really am, but all this..."

" Stop it! Just stop it!" He grabbed my shoulders and I shook under his firm grip. I felt like a child again, his hands wrapping easily around my slim shoulders. " I can't be responsible for anymore pain that you feel. I can't save you; I can't even save myself! I've failed you too many times, and now Wendla..." His eyes widened in a horrified anguish as he slipped into memory. I sniveled and quaked, trying desperately to understand why I couldn't just say I loved him. He held me there, breathing heavily and I wanted to make everything alright again.

I took his hand and slowly placed it on my heart. I wrapped my fingers around his and prayed he could feel my heart hammering in my chest. His other hand, still gripping my shoulder, tightened. He pulled his hand away and threw his arms around me in a tight hug. Stunned, I tried to speak but only a a puff of air came out as he gripped me tighter. This was a new feeling of want on Melchior's part. He had always been so gentle with me, afraid he would break me.

" I don't care what has happened with Hanschen." Melchior's voice was a hoarse whisper into my shoulder. " I must tell you. I did things with Wendla. But they mean nothing! I thought.... I thought I had lost you to Hanschen and I needed someone. She was there for me Ernst, but you have to believe me..." He sounded so afraid and I realized how Hanschen must have felt when I had told him about my father. I battled with a sudden hate for Wendla and a jealousy that was difficult to control. But when I felt Melchior let out a soft sob it dissolved into a feeling of sorrow for him. He had crumbled at my feet and held tight to me. I wasn't one to judge, I had kissed his best friend Moritz and willingly gave myself to Hanschen. A fling with Wendla, how ever maddening, would have to be over looked.

" Oh Melchior, we are even." I repeated the phrase he had told me in the haunted house and he held tighter to me. It felt odd to have the roles reversed like this but I realized that we truly were even. I craned my neck and lightly kissed the top of his hair as he cried into my shoulder. I held tight to him, making sure he wouldn't go away again. It felt good to be the one holding things together for once and I was absolutely joyed to be able to hold things together with Melchior. Despite the peace the night had brought I felt something missing from the perfect moment.

" I love you." I whispered into his welcoming hair, and with the moon and stars as my witness I would never let him go.

NOTE: so there it is :) i don't know if i really like it but i felt like i was losing ernst's innocence. i wanted to kind of play up the fact that he is dancing by himself while melchior and wendla are in the hay loft doing you know what. i hope you guys liked it and let me know what you think :)


	10. hey readers

Hey guys, I want to start off by thanking you for all the reviews and even if you didn't review I want to thank you for reading my story. Next, as I wrote the most recent chapter I realized there was a possibility of ending the story right there. I had a plan for about 3-5 more chapters where Moritz has some closure but also commits suicide, you will also get some repercussions for Melchior's actions with Wendla. Finally, some more hernst is going to come out and some closure with Ernst's parents. I want to know if you want me to leave the story off there or get the next chapters out. Let me know what you think :) thanks again :)


	11. choosing

hey guys! thanks for the feedback, it was really great to know that people don't want my story to end and that it inspired them. I've decided to keep going so anyone who didn't want me to can stop reading if you want :) sorry for the alerts and stuff i didn't realize you couldn't comment on a replaced chapter again so i had to fiddle with it sorry again

The world slowed in its spinning and the monsters were kept at bay by Melchior's strong arms. After an hour of him shuddering and crying in my arms he had calmed enough to lead me up into the hay loft. There he had flopped into a pile of hay and I curled up close to him, nuzzling my face into his neck. He whispered words in my ear, most of them incomplete broken sentences, but none the less they comforted me. I felt whole with him so close and had wanted the night to last forever but against my wishes my eyes slipped into a rich and restful slumber.

***

"Shit! We over slept! I never went home. Man, I am totally f..."

"Melchior!" The profanity had woken me and I had to stop Melchior before he spewed out more. He glanced at me and paused as if he couldn't quite remember who I was. He reached down and offered his hand and helped me clamber to my feet.

" You don't understand we can't be late to school. We have final exams today!" I gulped and icy panic slid down my throat. Any thought of final exams had slipped from my mind the moment Melchior had come close to me. I prayed that my study session would help me scrounge through with a passing grade. Melchie saw how upset he had made me and pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. I hesitated, unsure about the gentle touch that was so alien to me. He picked some bits of straw from my hair and I brushed some out of his. I giggled at his tickling fingers and sneezed as some hay flew into my nose. This made him laugh and for the first time in an eternity Melchie smiled inside and out.

Untold joy exuded from my every pore as we ran side by side all the way to the school house. For once my feet didn't get in my way and every step I took was sure and steady. We had run so fast and freely that we made it to school before anyone else did. Anyone except Moritz that is.

My stomach lurched as I saw his anxious figure hopping from one foot to the other at the school door. I stumbled and Melchior grabbed my arm to steady me. I tugged away from his grasp and tried to distance myself from him. He looked at me, the hurt evident in his eyes. I hardened my heart but it shattered as Moritz lifted his wild head and looked at me. Melchior's hand searched for mine but I shoved them into my pockets.

" Good morning Moritz." My voice was high with anxiety. I wanted everything to be ok. Moritz's fleeting kiss seemed like a life time ago but the pain in his eyes brought to life all the memories. I held my breath and hoped he would at least start his whispering. His soft brown eyes looked flinty in the morning light and they flickered between Melchior and I. I was torn between wanting to hide in Melchior's jacket or sweeping Moritz into a hug. Instead, I stayed on the edge teetering between the two until a loud shout broke the silence.

" Wow, you guys must get up really early!"

" I doubt they even slept at all with exams today." Georg and Otto came up the hill looking worn but ready for the exam. Moritz sniffed and plucked nervously at his sleeve. As quickly as he could he slipped away from the group and I itched to follow him.

When I knew no one would miss me I slipped off and cautiously approached Moritz. I got ten feet away before Moritz took a few steps back. The words that were stuck in my throat felt like fire and I wanted desperately to scream them, if only Moritz would let me get closer.

" I'm sorry." I called into the air. Moritz laughed and turned his back to me just as the professor beckoned us into the building.

I made my way to my desk and shoved my elbows away from me trying to create a barricade between Hanschen and Moritz. Hanschen eyed me up and down and I caught Moritz casting furtive glances in my direction. My paranoia was well founded as I felt both their eyes dig into me. I frowned and tried to concentrate on the paper before me.'

The test was long and arduous but I finished in a respectable amount of time. I sat nervously tapping my pencil and listened to Moritz's lone pencil scratch madly across the paper. I prayed to god that he would find a way to forgive me and pass the test. I would never be able to live with myself if Moritz failed because of me. With a resounding slap of his switch onto Melchior's desk the professor dismissed the class. One by one we filed up and handed in our tests. Hanschen stood in front of me and Moritz was behind me. I was trapped between them as I handed in my paper with shaking hands.

" Nervous about the results, Herr Robel?" The professor grabbed my wrist and examined my twitching fingertips.

"Something like that." I threw my eyes down and battled with the heat rising in my face. I wanted to talk to Moritz, and to let him know how sorry I was. The professor let go of my wrist and let out a displeased grunt as he saw Moritz behind me.

Moritz slammed down his paper and ran out the door before I had a chance to even blink. I heard the professor grumble something about "only sixteen."

Dejected I slinked out of the class room only to bump right into Hanschen.

" I was hoping to see you, Ernst." Hanschen held my shoulders and smiled devilishly. My stomach knotted as I tried to squash any enjoyment I got from his touch out of me.

" I don't think we have much to talk about, Hanschen. We talked yesterday." His grip tightened slightly as I tried to pull away.

" I understand that, but you... surprised me. I don't like surprises. You could learn all about my dislikes and _likes_ at the vineyard tonight. I hear the first day of summer is the nicest night to listen to the grass hoppers." His offer was tempting. If I went with Hanschen I wouldn't be betraying Moritz. As I conferred with in the solitude of my mind Hanschen's hand reached up to my hair.

" You have a bit of straw in your hair. Been playing cowboy have we?" Hanschen smiled and pulled the straw from my hair. As his arm moved back down I saw Melchior running up to the two of us. I tried to wriggle free but Melchie reached us long before I could escape from Hanschen's strong grasp.

" What's going on here? Ernst?" Melchie questioned breathlessly as he shoved his body in between Hanschen and I.

" Just chatting about how lovely the vineyard is. Ernst and I plan to go there tonight."

" I never...." I tried to throw my two cents in but they were too busy bickering back and forth.

" Oh no he is not! He needs to be home on time or else his father..." Melchior paid no attention to my tug at his sleeve. Hanschen's eyes squinted and he reached his hand to Melchior's hair. He plucked a piece of straw and held it in his hand looking from me to the straw to Melchior.

" Ernst is a big boy. Let him make his own decisions!" Hanschen's words were smooth and riddled with implications. Both boys looked at me expectingly and I froze like a dear staring into a rifle. I couldn't stand the fighting between these two and having to choose was impossible. Hanschen's golden angel's hair tumbled in the rising wind and Melchior's polar opposite black curls bobbed up and down. I had to choose between two different worlds but my heart was being torn.

I pushed between them and ran. I ran up and over the hill and down the road and away. I heard shouts of blame volley between the two but no following feet. I breathed a sigh of relief and slowed to a walk. I walked and came upon the dogwood tree I had first sat under with Melchior. The tree's spring blossoms were almost completely gone but a few still remained fluttering in the summer breeze.

As I got closer I saw a hunched figure beneath the tree. Moritz sat cross legged, holding his head in his hands. As quietly as I could I sidled up and sat beside him. He never looked up once and I situated myself a few inches from him.

" It is such a balance, you know." His voice made me jump. I didn't think he knew I was there but slowly he lifted his head to look at me. " I wish, for just five minutes, I could be this tree. And just for five minutes exist for nothing more than to sit in the sun and watch the world pass me by."

" I'm sorry." I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them holding in all the emotion I felt.

" I know." He looked at his feet digging circles in the dirt.

" Well, do you forgive me?" My heart pounded painfully in my chest. I only need to have his forgiveness and then maybe I could start worrying about Melchior and Hanschen. Instead he laughed again and threw a rock out into the road.

" You are not the one I need to forgive. And it is not Melchior either." My heart dropped and I put my head on my knees smelling the musty cotton. I needed to clear my head. " I am sorry." Moritz's voice had slipped to a whisper and his nervous twitching started again.

" I know." I whispered back. A little yellow butterfly fluttered down and landed on my cheek. Moritz smiled and went to cup it in his hands but it flew away leaving his hand lying lightly on my cheek.

" I better head home. Maybe you should too. I heard your mama calling your name out last night. She misses you." I swallowed hard and sighed at the thought of mama looking for me in the cold darkness. Moritz offered me his hand and pulled me to my feet.

We began to walk home side by side, just like we had done so many times when we were young. Tension still remained but was eased by the dying summer light. At my front door we parted silently. Moritz looked briefly over his shoulder and waved. I waved back but he didn't see as his door shut behind him.

I turned to face my own looming front door and tried to not imagine Father on the other side. I pushed the door in and mother sat curled in Father's arm chair. The moment my footstep echoed on the hard wood her eyes fluttered open and she jumped to her feet. She encased me in a monster hug and then held me at arms length. She drew her hands back and stared at me.

" Mama, you can't do this to me." I couldn't take her back and forth caring. Her faithfulness faltered and I didn't know if I should love or hate her.

" Please Ernst, you don't understand. I fell in love with your father, I can't expect you to understand that kind of love, you are just a boy." I scoffed at her ignorance. I knew love better than she ever would and I knew how hard it was to be torn. " You have to believe me when I say this; I love you more than anything but I love your Father just as much."

" How?" How could she love us both when he was destroying me? How could she love him when he was ripping apart my childhood before her very eyes?

"Ernst, when you fall in love with a nice Christian girl you will understand. You will think she can do no wrong and you learn to turn a blind eye to anything... undesired." I tried to relate by thinking of Melchior doing something undesirable. I connected to Melchior's faithlessness. I had always held god in the highest regard but I was in love with someone who didn't believe he existed. I grasped at this and pushed myself to forgive my mother. I knew she was trying her best but her best couldn't save me. For now I was just going to have to let her live her life.

" Where is Father?" I asked raking the house with my eyes, searching for his solid figure. Mother puller her raven hair, identical to mine, off to the side and smiled softly.

" He is spending the night in town. He will be back tomorrow morning." I smiled realizing how happy she was to have the chance to be with me alone. " Do you want some lemonade? I can make it special, like I used to." I looked at mama and for the first time I saw the wrinkles etched deep into her face and the silver strands of hair lightening her dark tresses. I felt sorry for her.

" That sounds nice, mama." She bustled off into the kitchen and returned with a large pitcher. She sat herself next to me on the couch and chattered happily trying to cover up the awkward feeling of being a stranger in my own home. I felt like a distant friend coming for a visit but neither one of us know what to say so we talk about nothing. I let her talk and reminisce about things that would never come back and I let her smile foolishly at my dimples. The night would have went on forever like that if a commotion hadn't erupted outside.

" I know this news is unpleasant but I am sure you will find a proper way to discipline your son." I walked to the window and watched as the professor hurried down the dark road. Moritz and his father stood spotlighted by their open front door. Screams exploded and Moritz stood flinching at every word. Suddenly he rushed inside and ran back out cradling something that glinted happily in the light. He exploded out into the dark world; his feet kicking up dirt. I recognized the desperate run of a person at a dead end. I had done it so many times myself.

" Oh dear, best let them handle things themselves." I yelped as mother appeared at my side.

" Mama, I can't just let him go. He needs me." My voice was dry and my feet already started moving towards the door.

" No! It really is best to let them handle things on their own. No use getting involved." Her eyes glinted wildly as she blocked the door.

" Is that your thoughts with me mama? Just let your son handle his father beating him? Just let him handle being completely and totally devoid of any affection. Best to not get involved!" I pushed past her and into the biting night.

" I can't lose you again!" She wrapped her arms around my waist and sobbed into my back.

" You didn't lose me. You never even had me. Don't worry, you still have father." I peeled her hands off and ran after Moritz. I prayed I hadn't hurt her too much, after all she had tried to help me. I prayed I had hurt her just enough to let me go.

NOTE: i know it is kind of sour with ernst's mom but i felt that was best. let me know how you guys feel. reviews make me really happy :)


	12. And The World Stood Still

thanks for the feedback guys! you are the best! warning: character death and a little graphicness. i really hope you guys like this. this chapter has been haunting me for weeks.

Moritz was so quick. Why did he have to be so quick?! I slammed my feet against the rocky path and scanned the distance looking for Moritz's slight figure. As the moon ducked behind a cloud my fear of the dark gripped me. I halted in my dash and whipped my head from side to side searching for yellow eyes. I tried to press my knees forward but my heart was beating too fast. A sudden gust of wind pushed me backwards but also skirted the clouds away from the moon, illuminating my path once again.

I doubled my efforts as I raced down the roads, trying with all my might to see even a bit of Moritz. My heart soared as a street lamp cast a merry glow down onto Moritz's wild hair. I slowed but he jumped back. I chuckled, I had never frightened anyone before.

"Ilse, you frightened me!" Moritz's voice was a wiry whisper. I looked to see Ilse stroll easily into the light. She was almost surreal with her long hair and bouquet of flowers. She smiled softly at Moritz and began to chatter away. I toyed with the idea of making my presence known but thought against it. Moritz and Ilse had always been good friends and I would be intruding on their reunion.

I sat down in a small squall of bushes and was completely intent on waiting until Ilse went on her way. I tried my best not to eaves drop but I couldn't help peering through the green leaves. I smiled. Moritz looked almost calm as Ilse told stories of their youth. Bitterness rose up in my throat. I had never once been invited to play pirates. The things she spoke so wistfully and fondly of had never been mine. Moritz's soft lips curved into a smile and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss her. I could tell Moritz liked Ilse, and Ilse was clearly interested in rekindling their friendship.

Time passed and I watched their conversation unfold like a picture. Both were made golden by the street lamp and Moritz looked more at peace than he had ever looked before. Just as I thought he was going to go skipping off into the distance with her he slipped his hand into his pocket. His body stiffened and the haunted look returned to his eyes.

" I wish I could. Virgil, remember..." He gripped his jacket tightly and his twitching started up again ten fold. Ilse frowned and tried in vain to convince him to come with her.

" By the time you wake up I will be lying on some garbage heap!" Ilse was near tears and far too late I realized she was heading straight for my hiding place. I jumped to my feet and back pedaled about twenty feet. Despite my dash she saw me and called out my name.

" Ernst, is that you? Of coarse its you! I would recognize those wide eyes anywhere!" Ilse ran up to my side, tears still in here eyes but a smile on her face. " How long have you been there? Why were you there?"

" Well I.... well if you must know... I ..." I couldn't explain my concern for Moritz so I simply gazed in his direction. Ilse's eyes widened and a knowing look washed away her smile.

" I see." I didn't know what Ilse _saw_ but she took a few steps back. " You know I am not really surprised. You were always the most... sensitive. I am just surprised that you chose him." I gasped understanding Ilse's weighted words.

" Oh no, it is not what you think! Not at all!" My face turned a bright crimson which was noticeable even in the dark. Ilse laughed and put a hand on my shoulder. I wormed away from her touch.

" You don't have to explain anything to me. Do your parents know? Does he know? I guess the best question is does anyone know?" I gulped not knowing how to answer her. Nobody knew anything about anything and of that I was sure. I didn't know anything, Melchie didn't know anything and everyone seemed content with ignorance.

" I have heard a whisper, Ernst. A whisper of your father. Does he hit you?" I wondered how somebody who didn't even live in the community knew about my father but then I remembered that she was Ilse and had her ways of knowing. This was something I could answer. I solemnly nodded my head. " You should come to the artist colony with me. There are people there like _you._ They would just _love_ you there." The way she said love made my fingers shake. She brought her hand up to my face. " you are so frail."

I was breakable. I new that if anyone wanted to they could snap me in two and yet ,some how, I managed to stay whole. Frail as I may be I am certainly stronger than what I had thought. Ilse tried to grab my hand to lead me in some unknown direction but I knew that I didn't want to go anywhere. I had lived here my whole life, and survived my whole life. I began to feel stronger as Ilse looked at me with confusion pressing her eyebrows together.

" Well are you com..." A loud shot rang out shattering the nights pristine silence and causing Ilse's mouth to hang open. My mind froze but thawed in a split second.

" Moritz..." His name slipped out from my lips in a lucid dream like slur. Ilse's eyes locked onto mine and she grabbed my hand.

" Don't go. Please don't leave me. Ernst, come with me, things will be so lovely." Her face held a twisted pain and a fake joy causing it to turn into a frightening grin. She tugged at my hand and I pulled sharply away. I ran back to where the shot had split the night. " Please let all fade!" Ilse's voice chased after me as I tripped over my feet.

My mind and eyes blurred as all thought escaped me. Nothing felt real and my senses had dulled to a mind blowing numbness. Each step felt like floating until I reached a few feet from the lamp post.

Moritz lay sprawled on the ground; Ilse's flowers in one hand and a smiling pistol in the other. He could have been sleeping if it weren't for the halo of pooling scarlet blood soaking his unruly curls. The world had fallen into a peaceful silence and I waited for my friend, my brother, to sit up and begin his nervous twitch. For each moment that my heart let out a shuddering beat I took a step closer. He was sleeping. He always fell asleep in class, why not here? His cheeks were pink in the lamp light and his lips held an innocent smile. I should wake him, it is the only right thing to do. I hovered above his body feeling every nerve in my body loosen itself and rip me with pain.

" Moritz." I crumpled to the ground and pulled him close to my chest. He was mine and I wouldn't let him go. As I had picked him up his eyelids slipped slightly open. The innocent eyes of the slaughtered rabbits stared back at me.

" They say you go blind." I gently brushed his eyes closed as my voice cracked in ragged sobs. " Don't go. Please. You can't leave me. You can't!" I pulled him tighter into a hug and tried to keep his spirit from leaving his body by wrapping my arms around him. He was so simple in this state. No nervous tic or shifting eyes. " Moritz, you have to say something! I know you can hear me." I held fast to the belief that he could and I continued to talk to him. " I'm sorry. I'm sorry I am sorry I am sorry!" I shook my head throwing silver tears in all directions that landed like diamonds on the road. I held him because I knew that once the sun rose I would never be able to again.

" Your still with me now. God, you feel so good in my arms." He was solid and still warm and everything was good except for the spark of life that had gone from him. Can this be happening? I didn't even know what this was. I moaned trying to some way relieve the roaring pressure that had began building in my chest. The moan turned into a cry and then a sob and then a wail. I shoved my face into Moritz's chest. I pounded my tiny fists against his shoulders.

" You didn't say good bye! You left me and didn't say goodbye. You didn't say goodbye!" I screamed and his red stained shirt muffled my screams so they sounded like heart beats in my ears. I screamed louder trying to shout my voice into his chest and pump his heart back into life. I kicked my feet and bit my lip so hard it bled. A pair of hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away from Moritz. I blindly hit and pushed. Moritz was still there lying on the ground examining the stars with unseeing eyes.

" He's gone!" A hand smacked my face " Get away from him!" Blackness rimmed my vision as I saw a sea of faces pool and wave before me. Everything was bright and all their features were sharp and crooked. Not a single comforting familiar face could be sought out in the ocean of shoving hands and screeching lips. The blind and rude hands pushed me from all sides and pulled me away. The sea dragged me out leaving Moritz stranded on the island of light created by the lamppost. I bobbed amongst the hands, gasping for breath. I was drowning in the air and strong arms held me back. Hanschen's swimming lesson came to mind and I tried to let the sea of hands work for me. Instead of bringing me back to Moritz they limply tossed me to a distant shore. With an echoing gasp I went under and blackness, blessed numbness, stole my vision away.

***

I awoke with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders and mama's face pressed close.

" Oh sweet, praise heaven you are alright!" she strangled me in a hug and I let her. Bewilderment fogged my mind as the ground shifted and I swayed with it. " Now darling don't move. You have suffered quite a shock." Her words were rubbery in my mind and I tried to chew them over.

" Shock? What shock?" People stood mulling around speaking in low whispers. Some girls stood huddled and shivering, their mama's roughly shielding them from something. In the distance I heard Melchior's voice shouting out.

" You had to hammer out all the weakness, didn't you?! Every little bit! Just so you could go living on blindly and exploiting your raw military material!" His rant broke into unbearable sobs and I covered my ears to block out the sound.

The scene was amazingly different with out sound. Everything looked the same. Wide eyes stared at a single spot on the ground. A large circle of red sat undisturbed as if the sky had rained blood and a puddle stood as proof.

All at once the sky let loose and rain fell to earth. With the rain, so too came my memories. Moritz had died. I had held him close and pulled his soul down but it wasn't enough. He was gone and I was the only one left behind with the imprint of his lips left on mine. I brought my hand up to feel where he had connected with me so briefly. I retracted and looked at my hands. Glaring back at me were two red palms. My intimacy had been marked by Moritz's blood and now all could see it.

The men's whispers flooded into my ears. All of them gossiped like old hens and their stupid chatter in the face of death infuriated me. I screamed and kicked my feet as if I were five again.

" Make them stop. Please!" I begged mama but she just gaped at my childish display. The whispers were driving me mad and spurred me into tears. A few eyes turned towards me and a sob lodged in my throat, unable to explode and break the night air once again. All these eyes but no one had been looking out for Moritz. Mama stood up worried by the gagging noises that gurgled out and tried to dislodge the scream. She ran to fetch a doctor but he was busy with other things.

I rocked on my feet pressing my hands against my ears trying to stop the words of the people. A dainty hand was placed on my back. I turned to see the face of Wendla. She had tears in her eyes and slipped her hands over mine. She gently pulled them away from my ears. She wrapped her arms around my neck and the pressure let the sob fly free. I cried into Wendla's shoulder as the rain tumbled down and soaked us to the skin. She pressed her cool forehead to mine and cried silently along with me.

We sat huddled close together, tears mixing with the falling rain. She held her forehead against mine blocking the twisting world and whispering words. Soon another head joined our embrace. Melchior wrapped his strong arms around both of us and pushed his head in. we sat shielding each other from the world and only allowing focus to stay on our hair gently brushing and dripping in the rain.

Thunder rumbled in the distance and the clouds parted to reveal a single star glinting lividly in the sky. I prayed on that single star for the strength to escape the darkness. The star didn't reply but our arms squeezed tighter as another rumble rocked the sky. The earth and weather continued on but for a moment Wendla, Melchior and I had our own world and with Moritz gone it stopped spinning.

NOTE: so there it is. if you never review me again its ok as long as you reveiw this chapter. the story isn't over yet ( i would never end on such a downer) but i really hope i got everything right. reviews are amazing and motivate me that much more to get the next chapter out. thanks a million :)


	13. He Cares

sorry for the long break in between updates. A two week vacation with no computer can do that :) well here it is.i kind of fiddled with the style a little. Let me know what you think. Thanks for all the reveiws on the last chapter they were amazing. Sorry for it being so long. Everything just got kind of pent up. Thanks for your patience.

Two days seemed like two years. Two days had passed and now mother was tugging at my tie preparing me for his funeral. My stomach growled noisily and mother eyed it pleadingly. I hadn't eaten anything in the last two days nor did I plan on eating now.

" You are already too skinny. Why don't you eat a little something before we go." She tried to brush the hair away from my eyes but I swiveled to avoid her touch. Moritz couldn't eat anything so why should I? Mother sighed and licked her finger. She rubbed hard at what she thought was dirt on my face only to see my wince as she pressed against a fading bruise.

After all that had happened father remained relentless. Each night he would hit me and I would crawl to my room after an hour or so. It didn't hurt me anymore. Each time he hit me I tried to imagine the pain Moritz must have felt. The pain ebbs away and I am left hollow.

Father stood towering over me now. He inspected me like a wolf inspects it's prey. He looked handsome in the dark suit mother had picked out for him. His usually blood shot eyes were clear of the spidery red veins and he was steady on his feet. I hated that it took a tragedy like this to make him sober.

" Straighten up boy! You might as well be spineless!" He slapped a hand on my back and I shot bolt upright. I guess he didn't need to be drunk to hate me. I peaked out the window to try and take my mind off my stinging back. A small procession of black clad families were beginning to form. They walked slowly and steadily, all heading in the same direction.

Mother took my hand and began to pull me towards the door. She tugged again but my feet didn't move.

"I forgot something." I broke free and mother didn't protest. That was the first thing I had said in the last two days and she figured it had to be important. I walked to my room and shut the door behind me. Everything remained how it had always been except for one tiny change. My old teddy bear sat peacefully on my comforter. It stared back with soft blue button eyes. After the night with Moritz I had gone home and dragged it out of my closet. It had become a permanent fixture in my hand and even now I didn't want to leave it behind.

When I was young mama had made me the bear and as father began to being stricter with me I would tug at it's ear. Each night when he would send me to bed with a black eye I would crawl into the covers and pull softly at the bears ear. Now the bear had one ear missing and the other stretched out far beyond it's usual length. It was missing patches of fur but no matter how scruffy it got I could never part with it.

I scooped it up off my bed and ran back to the living room. Mother and father had already left for the church. I walked out the door, the bear dangling in my hand.

As I crested the hill voices drifted to my ears. Moritz's father stood red faced and talking in fast whispers to the priest. An undertow of gossiping voices filtered about from the many bystanders and made the conversation impossible to hear. I stuffed the bear into my pocket and worked my way through the crowd until I could hear what they were saying.

" How can you deny a young boy's soul a proper service." Herr Steifel's voice rose with indignation.

" This young boy is a sinner. No man has a right to take a life, even his own!" And with a curt nod the priest turned and walked back up to the church. Herr Steifel stood with his mouth open as if he were going to call the priest back. Instead he slipped it shut and looked around at all the expecting people.

My insides knotted. If Moritz didn't have a service who knows what would happen to his soul. My eyes drove over the crowd and finally fell on Melchior. He was standing beneath a large oak tree with his hands deep in his pockets. He didn't look up as I approached him.

The last two days of my life had been spent in solitude but against my will. When I had managed to drag myself out of bed and get away from father I searched for Melchior. I would go to his house and be met at the door by Frau Gabor. She would smile politely and tell me Melchior was not in. I would run to the haunted house only to find the door locked tight. A candle would always be burning brightly in the window. I banged on the door calling Melchior but he would never answer.

Now Melchior remained distant. I was left stranded for words as he stood statue still. I went to put my hand on his shoulder but he shrugged away.

" They aren't going to do a service for him. I was hoping you... I was hoping you could say a few words." My knees shook. This unfamiliar nervousness around Melchior perplexed me. I had always felt safe and warm and almost confident but the bravado had left me. Melchie's head shot up and my heart stopped. His eyes had never looked so cold and lost.

"What makes you think I would do something like that." His voice was ice and caused a huge lump to rise in my throat.

" He is your best friend... I thought maybe."

" He was my best friend." Tears burst from my eyes. I had been holding them back because I knew crying wouldn't bring him back but now I thought I was losing Melchior too. Melchie looked down at his shoes and mumbled softly to himself. " I'll do it. Just please, no more crying. I am sorry." Melchior brushed past me with out a second look.

Many people had already left feeling no need to remain after paying their respects. All the students and the girls stood huddled silently against the blazing joyous sun. It didn't make sense in my mind that the sun could ever be so bright on a day like this. Moritz's father stood at the edge of the grave site. Melchior cleared his throat and began to speak. All eyes fell on him as his voice carried over the birds chirping in the near by trees.

" Were you really so blind and unkind to him? You can't help the itch to touch, to kiss, to hold him once again. Now to close his eyes and never open them." Each word was directed with a a sharp poignancy towards Herr Steifel. " A shadow past." Melchior's speech continued on but I had stopped listening. I closed my eyes and conjured Moritz before me. I tried with my whole heart to recreate the wild hair and twitching nose. After a while I could almost hear his voice again. A opened my eyes to see Hanschen in front of me. He put a hand on my shoulder and led me over to a pile of lilies Martha had collected. All of us picked one up and in a grim parade began to place them on Moritz's grave. My knees wobbled as my turn approached far too quickly. Hanschen's hands steadied me and pushed me gently forward.

The grave opened up before me like a vast canyon and at the bottom a mahogany coffin rested like a river. A few lilies rested on top and with a flick of my wrist mine tumbled through the air to join them. I peaked over to see Herr Steifel looking down at the grass. Everyone looked to him as if it was his fault. I had heard Thea whispering how she didn't even think he cared that his son was gone. I knew this wasn't true. In the nights I had spent awake after Moritz's death I had stole away into the darkness to avoid the suffocating roof. One night I walked to Moritz's window and peered in. I thought maybe it was a trick and he would be huddled over his desk trying to finish up homework. Instead of him I saw Herr Steifel curled in Moritz's bed. Nothing in his room had been touched and soft sobs filtered through the window. Herr Steifel cared about his son, of that I was sure.

Even after I had walked away from the grave Hanschen kept a light grip on my shoulder. I looked searchingly at his blue eyes. They seemed different now and I knew his grip on me was as much for his well being as mine. We stood close together, his fingers absentmindedly squeezing my shoulder.

With a closing amen that Melchior didn't participate in the group dispersed. I tried to get away and follow Melchior but he had drifted into the crowd and was back home before I could even blink. I slipped my hand into my pocket and felt the scraggly fur of my teddy bear brush up against my fingers. I pulled it out and smiled. I hadn't smiled in so long that my cheeks creaked with the lack of use.

Unsteadily I walked alone back to Moritz's grave. It was so deep and I imagined falling in. I shuddered and tugged softly at the bear's remaining ear. I felt selfish. I was still here and Moritz was not. He didn't have a chance to get out or to live, and here I was squeezing a teddy bear and crying over wishes. He wouldn't want me to be like this. I gave my teddy bear a tight hug and then carefully tossed it into the grave. Moritz needed it more than I did. A few men came up and began hurling dirt into the hole. The didn't know they were burying an innocent boy and they didn't now they were burying my childhood with him.

"He is gone, you know." I recognized Hanschen's voice and felt his breath hover over my ear.

" I know." I didn't turn to face him but continued to watch as the grave filled.

" I am still here." His hand was placed again on my shoulder but this time it felt heavier.

" I know." He pulled me away and I let him lead me. I didn't have the strength to resist his touch. As we grew farther from civilization and neared the rim of the woods his hand slipped from my shoulder and into my hand. He pulled me into the woods and began to talk of the weather. I didn't listen very closely and he didn't expect me to. We both needed sound to fill the air and his strong voice supplied that.

He led me along a path that snaked through the woods and over time our feet slowing until we stopped at the base of a huge elm. He sat down and motioned me to join him. I remained on my feet, unsure of his intentions. Melchior's voice filled my mind and I became wary of my solitude with the blond haired boy.

" Why not? You have nowhere else to be. We can just... talk if you want." The word talk made Hanschen's face screw up as if he didn't like the idea but he would tolerate it. He brought up a good point. I had nowhere else to be. Melchior wouldn't see me and I wouldn't go back to my father. I lowered myself to the ground and looked nervously over at Hanschen. He did his best to smile invitingly.

" Thank you." The words were out before I could stop them. My cheeks caught fire and I cursed myself for still blushing when I talked to him. He laughed softly and went to move closer but stopped himself.

" For what? I haven't done anything." He wrapped his arms around his knees and looked up at the foliage budding above us. The silence engulfed us. I didn't know what to tell him. I only knew that I was grateful towards him. I copied Hanschen and wrapped my arms around my knees. I wished they didn't have to be my own arms wrapping around me and I longed for Melchie's strong embrace. Hanschen raised his eyebrow as he looked over at me. I had unconsciously begun to smile as I thought of Melchior. "You should smile more."

" How can I? My father beats me. Moritz is..." I swallowed hard " and I am in love with..." I swallowed even harder. I wanted to say Melchior but I knew Hanschen wouldn't like hearing that and for some odd reason I didn't want him to leave. I wanted Melchior to be right next to me helping me through this but he obviously didn't want anything to do with me. Instead I had Hanschen who was holding me up and helping me through. His compassion was out of place in his usual aloof attitude and threw me off guard.

" Who are you in love with?" His voice was soft and pushed at my conscience. He took the liberty of sliding closer. He paused to see if I would run away and when I didn't move he slid right next to me. Our sides touched and he gazed at me intently. I looked down trying to find some escape. I was in love with Melchior but the words wouldn't come out. Hanschen slipped his fingers under my chin and made me look up. " I will make this easy for you. All you have to do is point to him." My hands remained at my sides. I couldn't point because he wasn't here. I stuttered trying to explain but no intelligible words came out. " He isn't here, is he? If you love him why isn't he here with you?" Hanschen voiced the very questions my mind had been suppressing. His lips curled into a victorious smile. " Don't worry. I will soon have you pointing." He laughed and brushed his lips against mine.

" Hanschen I can't." I huffed out between our lips. Despite my protest I didn't pull away as the kiss deepened. Hanschen twisted his finger through my hair and I held tight to him. I shook as adrenaline pumped through my veins and I felt more alive than I had in weeks. Hanschen leaned me onto my back and pulled my shirt away exposing my pale chest. He broke the kiss only momentarily to pull his own shirt off. He threw it over a tree and pressed himself against me. The skin on skin contact made me gasp and squeeze his shoulders as he trailed his lips along my neck. He laughed and I blushed out of habit. I closed my eyes, ashamed with myself for finding any pleasure in this. He brought his lips back up to meet mine again. I twisted my head away but he didn't notice and merely trailed his lips down the other side of my neck.

Hanschen had placed his hand by my knee but it had slowly worked its way up. I closed my eyes as my breathing came hot and heavy. Hanschen's hand slid higher and I squeaked as his fingers and lips worked their magic.

" I shouldn't. I can't. Melchior." Finally his name had flung from my mouth. Hanschen's head snapped up as if he had been smacked in the face. Anger and hurt flashed in his eyes but quickly dissipated as he drew himself close to my face.

" Where is he, Ernst? If he cared even an ounce for you he would be here with you right now. I am here with you. I care." Hanschen pouted his lips out as if he truly was hurt by my words. " He is probably off with Wendla forgetting about all his little troubles. Forgetting about you." Hanschen petted my hair to calm my jagged breathing only succeeding in making me whimper. I had no argument for Hanschen.

" He said things were over with Wendla." My voice was a quiet whisper. I pushed myself into a sitting position and Hanschen sighed as he slipped off of me. He sat next to me and shook his head as he wrapped his arm playfully around my waist.

" Gabor says a lot of things. He doesn't mean any of them. I bet he said he loved you." I shifted through my memory. In the brief time we had truly spent together I had no recollection of him saying I love you, only I am sorry. " He hasn't has he? He makes things too easy for me."

" He hasn't. Do you love me?" My throat ached with all the words unsaid and my heart split with the thought of Melchior. Hanschen's eyes shifted and he scanned me, eyeing my bare chest and finally falling on my face.

" I care." Hanschen pulled me onto his lap and I rested my head against his cheek. I was so tired from everything. Hanschen was warm and wanted me and that was enough for the moment. I drifted into sleep listening to the birds and Hanschen's laughter.

***

" And this is how you do a head lock." Two strong arms ripped me from my slumber and immobilized my head. I frantically struggled and coughed. Father flashed before my eyes and blocked out everything else. " Calm down just go with it!" A furious whisper hissed in my ear. My heart hammered as I recognized Hanschen's confident voice.

Two figures broke through the foliage and I recognized Otto and Georg.

" What are you two doing we have been looking all over for you!" Georg huffed and adjusted his glasses. Hanschen released me and I fell to my knees.

" Oh just showing Ernst some self defense. Seems he has been having some problem with bullies." Hanschen insinuated that Georg was the bully and Georg looked around feigning innocence.

"Ok but we have news! Melchior has been sent away to the reformatory!" I gasped and all heads turned towards me.

" I have got to see for myself." Hanschen grabbed his shirt and hurriedly threw it on. " Just think about what we talked about. Ok?" Hanschen smiled knowingly at me and left me standing with Otto and Georg.

" Boy he really worked you over didn't he?" Georg looked at the many bruises inflicted by father that peppered my back. Otto looked solemnly on, unusually quiet. I slipped to the ground and started to cry. Everyone I ever loved or cared about left me. Melchior was far away and once again I didn't even get to say goodbye. Georg looked at Otto awkwardly and motioned they should leave.

" Self defense, huh?" Otto flicked his head towards my back. I knew that he knew where the bruises came from.

" Yeah, self defense." I said bitterly through the tears. They left me. I was alone and miserable as the sun began to set.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye, but then again, he never got to say I love you." the tears slipped down through the angry words and I hoped the whole world heard. After a few moments of disgust and self pity I got a hold of myself. I dig my fingers into my knees and tried to look on the bright side. Things could be worse I whispered. I could be gone. Instead I thought about Hanschen. " He...he cares."

NOTE:will Ernst choose Hanschen? How will Melchior save the day? You will just have to wait and see lol. Reviews make the world go round :)


	14. Returning

thanks for the reveiws :) you guys are great! so this chapter is kind of slow but picks up at the end. please be patient.

I noticed mother in the kitchen window as she bustled about undoubtedly preparing dinner. I tried to assure myself that father would be in a good mood because mother was so diligent with her meals. Instead of reassurance I felt sick. I did my best to suppress the growing sense of anxiety and loss left behind by Melchior's sudden departure.

Once again my knees began knocking sharply together as the front door hurtled in creating an expecting hole. Father loomed in the door way and I stood on the front steps waiting for him to pull me in. I watched with the same morbid curiosity of a person watching an execution as my father raised his hand. Instead of a deafening smack he put his hand on my shoulder. My body spasmed slightly in its Pavlovian response to his touch. He brought me inside with out a word but also with out violence. Confounded, I followed him like a sheep thats run from the flock.

" The greatest news has come about!" Father peered down at me from his unusually craggy face. It was made more jagged by the smile misplaced on his lips. " Well, aren't you going to ask whats so good?"

This man couldn't be my father. This man smiled and left his hand lightly on my shoulder as if I was an adult, as if I were his equal. The best response I could manage was a weak head bob.

" The wretched Gabor boy is gone! He has been sent off to some reformatory. Where he belongs in my opinion!" I coughed as I choked on my own heart. Father found joy in the very thing that was destroying me. "Come sit down! Mother has prepared a wonderful meal." Obviously not put off by my complete lack of enthusiasm for his "joyous" news, he wheeled me around and plopped me into the seat next to him.

Mother hummed a merry tune, ecstatic at our cordialness. She chattered out light conversation about the weather and all the pretty spring flowers. I couldn't take it. I had just gone to Moritz's funeral today and found out the boy I loved has been sent away to some god forsaken school and they expected me to be enjoying the lilies and the fresh spring breeze.

Father poured a generous amount of wine into his cup and gulped it down and refilled it again. He filled mother's cup and then surprisingly he poured some into mine.

" We celebrate tonight!" Was his only explanation for his odd behavior. The cup glared at me with red eyes. There was nothing to celebrate. If anything I should be mourning the loss of a friend and a lover. I watched as father gladly helped himself to another cup and I watched as the red tint seeped into his eyes and listened as his speech began to slur. My hand itched to grab the wine glass. I figured that it could take away all the pain.

I felt my fingers wrap around the skinny stem of the glass and listened with interest as my breathing shallowed to a rapped pant. I closed my eyes and I envisioned my father wobbling on his feet oddly enough resembling a lumbering circus bear. I had never liked the circus bears. Just below their comical exterior you knew there was something miserable and tormented about them. I opened my eyes again and saw the red wine in my cup. It bobbed like a huge ocean entrapped in a bubble. It didn't take much imagining to see myself as a circus bear. I didn't want to be like my father. I didn't want to hurt people or be hurt anymore. But with this threshold to adulthood placed before me I didn't know where else to turn.

"Well are you going to drink it or am I going to have to!" Father's harsh voice startled me and made me knock the wine glass over. A sharp smack to the back of my head brought everything back to normal. I smiled happily at the shiny red stain spreading along mother's white table cloth. Whether he knew it or not father had just saved me from becoming him. I quickly swore to god I would never drink. Never

Father jerked me to my feet and dragged me along like a master pulling a dog. He threw me into the closet with out a word and I smacked my head. It throbbed for a moment or two but I had already dismissed it. I sat in the total darkness listening to the sounds of my family's dinner continuing on. The closet had become a relief from the world. While I was in it I didn't have to worry about who loved me or who cared. I was nothing and people could live their lives as if I never even existed.

I listened to the clatter of plates and silverware as mother cleaned. I listened to fathers tumultuous snores as mother helped him to bed. As I heard their door click behind them I wondered if mother had forgotten about me. It wouldn't be the first time. Usually she would come to the door, knock, and whisper a few words of good night but there was no more foot steps to be heard.

As I waited in the darkness for morning I pushed thoughts of Hanschen and Melchior out of my head. I was left with a lingering feeling of loss as a few scraps of memory floated through my head. I remembered Moritz and how he would often smile at nothing around me, a momentary reprieve from his worried half frown. His smile graced my lips as I slipped into sleep.

***

" No! Leave him alone! He didn't do anything. Stop it! Don't leave me. I said I loved you." my eyes flew open as my lips hung open where the words had been cut off. The dream had been terrible. Melchior was being dragged away into some dark building, and all I could do was stand at the sidelines and watch. Tears burned at the corners of my eyes and I bit my lip to keep them from spilling over.

Mother opened the closet door to find me hopelessly tangled in a few old towels and the mop. Wordlessly she helped me to my feet.

" Father is still asleep. Get out of the house. I can't deal with you and him today." She rubbed tenderly at her temples and I looked intently at her. She appear older and haggard beyond recognition. I realized she was nursing a throbbing hangover but still her distance pained me.

Obediently I walked out the door leaving the people I had come to know as strangers behind. In my mind I no longer had parents. This revelation only brought a slight heart ache as I reminisced about mother making lemonade on a hot summer day.

Aimlessly, I wandered over the streets and watched as a few people dared to come out on this slightly overcast day. I made my way to the school house not really sure what to expect. As a rule most children stay as far away from school as possible once it has ended but now I felt drawn to its innocence.

The building was quaint and laid out beneath the clouds like on old cat. It made me squirm to think that the events in this building had pushed Moritz to his death. But it wasn't only the school who deserved blame. I walked up to the windows and peered in. I saw the abandoned desks and the empty coat rack. My eyes focused on the seat where I had spent my days. I took a step back and suddenly the window acted as a mirror. The face that stared back was thin but not quite as gaunt as usual. I wondered at how I had matured. I still had a baby face but it seemed different some how. I spun a few times inspecting myself until a pack of high giggles made me blush. The girls stood a few feet away all hiding their smiles behind their hands.

" Looking for a beard Ernst?" Thea burst into laughter but it was not cruel. She skipped up and took my hand. She stood on tip toe and inspected my chin " No but you are tall enough for one!" She giggled and spoke as if she were an expert on beards and boys. I scanned all their faces and they all seemed reasonably happy. Their mood was contagious and I found myself smiling too.

Thea continued to babble about how much she knew and every so often Ana would blush and put a hand to her mouth as if even hearing such things was a sin.

" And if Wendla were here!" Thea had lost herself in her excitement and suddenly the girl's happiness vaporized into the humid air. I looked again at all the girls and realized that Wendla was indeed missing from the gathering.

"Where is Wendla? I haven't seen her in several days." All I eyes shifted to any where but me. Ana grabbed onto Martha's sleeve as if she were a little girl again and Martha placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Thea's usually over active mouth had become a clam and wouldn't pry open with my pressing gaze.

"Wendla is sick. She has anemia." Ana's timid voice had broken through the silence. I frowned hoping the best for the poor girl. Despite Melchior's ... adventures with her I still thought highly of the sweet girl.

" Do you know what the whisper is? They say it isn't anemia." Thea's voice burst out of her and Ana and Martha both shushed her urgently. " Oh come off it. Everyone has heard." Contrary to her confidence Thea's eyes shifted from side to side making sure the coast was clear.

" What do they think it is?" I didn't have the slightest idea as to what it could possibly be I only hoped that she would be ok.

" Well I over heard from my mother that she heard from Ana's mother that Ana's mother heard from Martha's mother who over heard a fight at the Bergman's that she is with child!" My head spun slightly from the twisted story and it took a moment for me to understand and comprehend what she had said.

" But she has not been married!" The girls nodded their heads gravely to show their dark understanding.

" I still think it is anemia!" Ana piped up. From the look in her eyes you could tell she didn't truly believe it was anything but pregnancy. I swallowed to try and clear the unpleasant taste that had formed in my mouth.

" It was nice speaking with you, but I think I really should be off." I tipped my head as a polite good bye and the girls waved somberly. The thought of childbirth perplexed and frightened me. I couldn't even begin to think of the mechanisms and occurrences that had to take place for a human life to form with in a women but one of the criteria I knew had to be marriage.

I squirmed at the thought of my old cat giving birth and I made my way up to the tire swing sitting high up on the school yard hill. I distinctly remember her piteous yowls as the slippery lumps were brought to earth. At the time I cried out of fright for my beloved cat until my father came in and tried to explain how it all worked. He told me this cat had sinned and would go to hell because it had reproduced with out getting married. This made me cry harder because I didn't want my kitty to go to hell. The next morning after I had rushed out to the barn to see the kittens and their mother I found her empty crate. Father walked in with scratches all up his arms and told me that he had " cleansed them".

I shuddered to think of Wendla as my innocent cat. I knew if I dwelt on it much longer I would work myself into hysterics. To distract from the thought of children and cats I began to push myself on the tire swing. My legs hung limply through the hole and pushed against the dirt forcing me higher and higher. I hugged the scratching rope tight to my body as I closed my eyes and listened to the wind screaming past my ears. After the wind had cleared my thoughts I slowed to a gentle sway. I missed the feeling of hands pushing me as they had when we were all very young.

" I miss you." The words were a message sent into the air for Melchior's ears.

" No need. I am right here." Hanschen's seductive growl sounded pleased as he began lightly pushing me. I had been startled but rather than question how long he had been behind me I accepted his hands pressing lightly on my back and surrendered my control. Hanschen had an amazing gift for helping me feel like I didn't need to do anything. If I just closed my eyes he would lead me in the right direction.

Before long Hanschen's hands had looped around my waist. I held tight to the rope as he held tight to me and he rubbed softly at my stomach. He propped his chin on the top of my head and I was comforted by his warmth.

" You said you loved me." His words woke me from my content trance.

"Yes I did." I frowned inwardly and tried to stomp out the memory Melchior and I in the field. I had said I loved him too and the memory made my heart quicken into a fast dance.

" Good." I could feel Hanschen's lips curve into a smile and I expected more but he simply brought his hand up and began stroking my hair. My stomach knotted. I seemed to be the only one saying I love you and it was driving me insane. I needed a conformation. A validation that I wasn't just imagining things. I pushed the lump in my thought down and tried to coax my vocal chords into working order.

" Hanschen?" My voice warbled with anxiety and I looked intently at my shoes.

" Mmm?" He mumbled as he laid a light kiss on the top of my head.

" Do you love me?" His grip tightened around my waist and then his hands slipped into his pockets.

" I said I cared. Isn't that enough?" He took a few sulking steps backwards and stared out over the hill. " Isn't me being here enough for you?" His words caught me off guard and disappointed me. I really had thought that his presence was enough but suddenly my heart ached for something more than just a simple body. It needed a connection. I searched Hanschen's face for that connect but the sun shined down and made everything so bright. Hanschen's frown was illuminated and I mirrored his distress. I didn't want to upset him I just wanted to know.

" I am sorry." My head was bent and my voice was thrown to the ground. For a while he stood motionless and I thought he hadn't heard. All at once he swooped closer and locked my lips in his own. His kiss was fierce and passionate and I struggled to get free of the tire swing so I could enjoy it to its full extent. As I fumbled desperately, trying not to pull away from Hanschen, my foot got tangled and I fell flat on my face. Hanschen gasped and quickly jumped to get to my side. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms. I was so humiliated that a flaming blush colored my pale cheeks. Hanschen laughed softly.

" I love when you blush." His words made me blush more and I wiggled out of his arms. We sat in the dirt across from each other for along time. " I should go. Mother expects me home in time for lunch."

Hanschen stood up and brushed himself off. He offered me his hand and pulled me up into a sweet kiss. He broke away long before I was ready to relinquish his lips and with a little wave he trundled off down the hill. My stomach growled loudly interrupting my content and spurring me to begin the walk home.

I walked all the way home in silence and a numb bliss. Each step resounded with Hanschen's words. I ... love...i...love. He had managed to say more than half of what I wanted to hear. The only thing missing was the you.

I scrambled silently into the house and only received a brief worried glance from mother. I fixed myself a sandwich and headed to my room where I locked the door behind me. I looked around and did a flying leap onto my bed. I bounced satisfyingly once or twice and figured this was the happiest I was ever going to be while father was alive. I had someone who wanted to spend time with me and who was willing to touch me and let me touch back. I ignored the nagging feeling of something missing and looked around my room. The white curtains waved in the breeze and I smiled as I saw a letter propped up against my bible. I rarely got mail and assumed it was my grandmother sending me a severely overdue birthday card.

I jumped to my feet and ripped the envelope open exposing a yellow crumpled sheet of paper.

D_ear Ernst,_

_I'm sorry I left so quickly. I didn't have much of a choice. There are so many things I wish I could tell you._

My heart pounded. I recognized Melchior's handwriting and I had dropped the letter to the ground. My hands shook furiously. As if the letter might catch fire at any moment I picked it up and examined it. It was covered in scribbled out lines as if Melchior had wrote something and decided against it later. It also looked like the letter had gotten wet and many of the words were smudged. The only part that I could read was the last paragraph.

_Please excuse the crossed out lines. The other boys are here and you must be so careful with what you say. I wouldn't be surprised if one was reading over my shoulder right now. Promise me you will meet me in the cemetery a week from now at midnight. I am coming home._

_With all my love,_

_Melchior_

I sunk to the floor with the letter clutched tightly to my chest. My heart hammered painfully loud against my rib cage. There were no words for what I was feeling. He is coming home. Melchior is coming back.

NOTE: so yeah i am almost done with this story and it makes me sad but it is time to move on :) i think approximatly two more chapters. thanks again for all the reveiws. they really get me super happy when i see i have one.


	15. Redemption

so here come the big dramatic chapter. i hope you like it. thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter. it means the world to me :)

The church was stuffy with so many people in it. A few lamenting wails could be heard from some women but were quickly droned out by the preachers soothing voice.

" God works in mysterious ways. Mortals, such as ourselves, can never hope to understand his workings. But still as we lay a young girl to rest it gives us cause to question our faith. Let this tragedy not eclipse your relationship with god but strengthen it. We shall all one day join him in his heavenly pasture but you will never be saved if you lose faith and commit sin." As he stood high and mighty at his pulpit residing over all the congregation he let his eyes sweep over the true children.

One by one they rose to pay their final respects. When my turn arrived I looked. I had willed myself not to but she called to me. She was very beautiful with her hair spilling over the satin pillow. Her hands were neatly folded and she smiled a sad ignorant smile placed on her lips by someone else's hands. I wanted to stroke her hair and tell her everything was going to be alright but I didn't believe my own words. Everything was not going to be alright. The children, if you could call us that anymore, were disappearing faster than the seasons could change.

The whole service I did not cry. I couldn't bring myself to, even though I felt that familiar throbbing pain in the back of my throat. As the procession continued out to the cemetery I looked at the grass. It was waving its final goodbyes to the girl who would run barefoot on it. I couldn't look at the grass too long so I shifted my head to the skies. The clouds shifted momentarily blotting the sun into a golden drizzle, creating glorious pools of light. Wendla would have been hurrying home with blue violets for her mother right about now. Instead she was resting serenely. They lowered her into the ground and the service was over. Once again the children were left milling around, not yet willing to give their friend away to the greedy soil.

Ana tossed herself on the mound and sobbed so deeply I thought she would never rise again. Martha and Thea wrapped their arms around her and comforted her until her sobs become soft choking tears. The tombstone was beautiful. Black marble with deep engraved letters. _Wendla Bergman. Died of anemia._

Anemia. Even now they couldn't face the truth. I laughed so bitterly that it finally made the tears flow. Before the first tear even left my cheek Hanschen was at my side.

" I was waiting for this." He wrapped me in a hug and I pressed my face into his dark cotton suit.

" I don't understand why."

"Because, silly, how am I supposed to be allowed to comfort you unless you look distraught." Hanschen briefly brushed my hair with his hand. I hadn't been wondering about him. I was wondering why everything had to be taken away. Why everything had to come to an end. The embrace ended as his father beckoned him over. I swayed dangerously on my feet as his support left me.

Hanschen trotted back over casting quick glances over his shoulder at his father. He shoved his hand out and puffed up his chest. I gazed dumbly at his hand suspended in mid air.

" Play along." He hissed through gritted teeth and motioned discreetly at his father. I took his hand and he bobbed it up and down with a bit more fervor than was necessary. " Sorry, he thinks this is more appropriate for a man of my age." His grip loosened and his hand flopped to his side.

" Are you ashamed of me?" The question caught both of us off guard and I quickly covered my mouth. I held my breath waiting for his reply. I knew that I was ashamed of myself but I always thought that Hanschen was proud of anything that involved himself.

" Oh no of course I am not ashamed of you its just..." He was mumbling and scratched the back of his head trying to jog the right words into his mind that would both placate me and leave him unscathed and commitment free.

" Well if you are not ashamed hug me. Right now." My forwardness shocked me but it felt right in my body. I couldn't live with being Hanschen's dirty little secret. Not when secrets could cost you your life. His eyes widened and he looked furtively back at his father who was eyeing us with distaste.

" I would really love to but father said I have to get home." He stuck his hand out again for me to shake. I pushed it away and wrapped my arms around his neck. He let them stay there momentarily but far too quickly pushed them stiffly away.

" You are making things very difficult." Rather than anger he purred in amusement. He cast a mock furious glance at me, perpetuating the show he was putting on for his father. He ran back over to his father who looked disapprovingly at me and then led Hanschen off back towards their home.

Just then mother came up from behind me. She took me and led me home and I let her. We sat down to silent meal while I tried to wrap my mind around Hanschen. He cared, that was obvious. In the last six days he had managed to sneak out and find me. He would smile and lean me onto my back until I could feel his warmth radiate through me. He would kiss me and I would kiss back, pushing Melchior's letter to the back of my mind. For those few hours he would be the only thing in the world that mattered. Conversation was often sparse when I was with him. We both knew what was supposed to happen when we were alone.

But when we were separated Melchior would bloom into my mind. I would conjure his worry about my bruises and his excitement when he could explain something new in his attempt to broaden my view of the world. I remembered him reading in the church pew. These memories tortured me. I would lie squirming in bed, pained by the bruises and memories. Just before I would be granted sleep I would promise myself I would tell Hanschen I still loved Melchior. Even as I made the resolve Hanschen's voice would drift into my head and ask who was the one who was still here.

Mother slammed her cup on the table and glared at me. Startled, I gazed wide eyed and innocent at her. I had forgotten where I was and who was with me as Melchior and Hanschen quickly drained from my thoughts.

" Honestly you ask to get beaten! Father asked you a question and all you can do is gaze off daydreaming!" I gaped as tears sprang to mother's eyes and she looked miserably between the two of us. Father just grumbled and took the dishes from the table even though I hadn't taken a single bite.

I awaited punishment but it never came. Father retreated to the living room a bottle in each hand. Before he could come back I escaped into my room. I wavered in the door way unsure of what to do. Lunch had been held late due to the service. My clock read three in the afternoon. Mother undoubtedly would still serve dinner promptly at six thirty. That left me with three and a half hours to be confined to my room with my wishes and memories.

I slouched onto my bed and searched under the pillow. I pulled Melchior's letter out and read it for the hundredth time. My eyes always hovered on the final sentence. He would be here tonight. The reality of the situation shook me and I realized I didn't know what to do.

I ran to my desk and pulled out a pen and paper. I began frantically writing a letter to Melchior expressing my worries and fears. I told him how Hanschen cared and how I thought he could take care of me. When I got to the closing I didn't know how to end it. My pen hovered above the fleshy white page and I waited patiently for the final farewell to spring out. I read the letter again and in pure frustration I crumpled it up and threw it away.

I ran to my bed and buried my head deep with in the pillow, drowning out the world. The silence and my own pounding heart beat brought me around. I looked at the garbage pail which was filled to the brim with identical balled up wads of paper. I frowned at my failed attempts at writing to Melchior. Each one held a different fear or a different joy. Some spoke of how I couldn't wait to run away with him while others spoke angrily of how he could leave me alone. Each one was different but I hadn't been able to sign my name on any of them. They were destroyed, unfinished, because if I did finish them it meant no going back.

If I didn't show up what would happen? Hanschen would continue our secret meetings until eventually he realized he didn't truly care or we were caught. If I did go.... the unknown pulled at me. If I did go I would be opening myself to uncertainty. I glanced at the clock. Four fifteen. Time seemed to be dragging painfully slow. I tried to be grateful that midnight was not rushing to me but I couldn't muster it. Instead it was like waiting for your own execution.

My best bet was to see how things unfolded. I curled up deep into the covers despite the hot weather. I tried to believe that if I closed my eyes everything would just go away. I squeezed them shut and opened them again. The crisp white sheets gaped back and I knew there was no avoiding my future.

****

At six thirty sharp mother called me out for dinner. I scrambled out of the tangled sheets. I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep until I had woken up. I sat shaking at the end of my bed. Wendla had been in my room only moments ago. She had been sitting at my desk reading Melchior's letter. She cried but she was smiling.

" Go to him. He needs you. He loves you." She sat shimmering for only a moment and then disappeared. I closed my eyes knowing it was only a dream. Mother called again and I made my way out to the dinning room.

They had already started eating and I lowered myself cautiously into my seat. I ate quickly feeling my pulse race, knowing that in a few hours Melchior would be waiting for me and I would have to make a decision. All through dinner father eyed me hungrily waiting for me to do something wrong. His piercing eyes placed even more anxiety on my already quaking shoulders.

Finally the meal was over. I went to go retreat to my room once again to wait out the final hours but before my hand touched the knob father called out and told me to retrieve my bible. I winced but new I had no choice but to obey. Melchior's letter stood neatly propped up against my bible and I tried remembering if I had put it there. Before I could ponder too long father's impatient call rang out again. I snatched my bible from the desk and carefully placed the letter back under my pillow.

Father sat menacingly in his huge arm chair gazing into the crackling fire. Even though the weather grew increasingly warmer father insisted on having a fire every night. He would sit stoking it occasionally until it seemed the whole room would soon be engulfed in flames.

I stood a few feet away, my heart hammering and anxiously trying to jump out of my chest. Father had never done this before and its newness frightened me.

" Sit and read it. Learn what you are supposed to be doing." He didn't look up from the fire but lazily pointed to a spot close to it where I was meant to sit. This punishment didn't seem so bad but that is what made it all the more terrifying. There had to be more and I waited with rising fear as to what it might be.

My fingers shaking, I fumbled nervously with the pages, all the while my eyes remained locked on father's hand. I skimmed the pages trying not to flinch when father breathed. The bible had always been a comfort to me but with father looming ominously close I could find no solace in its wise words.

" They deserved it." Father began talking to the fire, never once looking towards me. " They all deserved what they got. That Moritz deserved it. He failed." Father laughed quietly to himself. I swallowed the words that suddenly tried to escape my throat. Losing my temper with father would accomplish nothing. My heart beat marked out the seconds and I focused on its ever present thumping. " Wendla too. That little viper. Should have listened to her mother. Got what was coming to her, the little bitch." Father smiled, pleased with his slander. I had taken to staring into the fire also, forcing myself to see what father saw in the licking flames. I saw nothing but hate. " And little Melchior..." he paused to cackle as if something particularly funny had struck him.

" What about him?" My voice was as dry and cracked as the wood in the fire place. Every nerve in my body was alive with a popping rage. How dare he. How dare he even say their names. My fingers itched as the bible felt weighted in my hands. I grasped at it trying to hold my very last bit of sanity.

" He deserves everything he ever gets. He deserves to rot in the flaming pits of hell, and he is going to. If I have to see to it myself." Father took the fire poker and left it sitting in the flames. I squeezed the bible so tightly I could almost feel the words etching themselves into my hands. I closed my eyes but I could still see the flames dancing just beyond my eyelids. There was no escaping the fire or father.

" He is a good boy." Father hadn't heard me and continued on his rant.

" The only thing I don't understand is how you are still alive. Why hasn't god dragged you down there with them. They're probably just waiting for you to join them. That little whore and that insane freak of a boy are probably just waiting for you. Well they won't have to wait long."

" She was a good girl. He was a good boy." I whispered the words to myself trying to reverse the tainting words father had said. I wanted to leave. To get up and walk to my room and block out the entire world but I was paralyzed.

" Do you know what hell feels like?" Father still hadn't glanced at me. I wasn't even worth looking at.

" Like this. Hell must feel like this." I closed my eyes again. Oblivious I had even spoken, I heard father move. He stoked the fire again but still didn't remove the poker from the racing blue flames. I opened my eyes and he was looking directly at me. My heart stopped and the world fell into silence as I looked into his eyes. With a rush, as if someone had spun the globe on its axis, things came back to life.

" Would you like to know what hell feels like?" He pulled the now orange glowing poker from the flames. I watched his hand as it waved the poker around as if it were a fancy new toy. " Might as well prepare for what awaits you, you sinning worthless waste of life."

Father stood towering. He was so tall and I tried to see the flames just past him. He didn't take a step towards me just stood with the poker poised, waiting for his permission to inflict pain. The bible was my lifeline. It rested so peacefully in my hands that I could almost pretend everything was normal. A cinder from the poker fell onto the page and burned a small hole. I looked up to see father just above me looking down.

" They were good people. They deserved a good life." Every word was a harsh breath of air exploding from my lungs. I didn't want them to come out but they couldn't stay in. Father laughed and that laugh made my skin feel alive with waves of hate.

" Good people? Good people?! The only thing they deserve is a good long roast in h..." Father toppled to the floor. I had hit him. I had stood up and pushed him with all my might. Never had I struck another human being and even in my blind rage I felt ashamed for having sunk to his level.

He howled, enraged at me. The adrenaline and hate wouldn't allow me to cower in the corner. He struggled to rise up from his back but I pounced onto him bible in hand. His huge breathing mass beneath me felt like a mountain and I struggled for air in the thin atmosphere. He looked at me and I saw every ounce of loathing he could muster in his blood shot eyes.

" It is about time. Now I have a reason to kill you and send you to hell myself." He smiled and tears exploded from my eyes. He took the poker he had managed to hang onto and went to hit me with it. The bible in my hand felt so real and palpable unlike what was going on around me.

" I will see you there." I smacked father as hard as I could with the bible. It struck his jaw with a world shattering thump. He moaned and let the poker fall. It fell against my arm and in a split second burned through my cotton shirt and onto my skin. I shook it away with a cry of panic. The devil had grabbed me in that moment but I had broken free. A small pool of blood had formed on the floor. Enough. No more. It was over.

I scrambled off of father and hugged the bible to my chest. I watched and cried as father's chest steadily rose up and down. He tried to talk but I think I had broken his jaw. I watched in horror as he flopped around in wild pain. I had caused this. I hugged the bible closely to my chest.

" Forgive me father for I have sinned." I begged forgiveness. As I shivered with the bible close to my heart mother came running in. I watched as she ran past me and knelt next to father. She cried and threw herself across him.

" What have you done? What have you done to him?" She wailed as if I had killed him and the blackest part of my soul I wish I truly had. " Get out of here. Don't ever come back. I swear to god if you do I won't stop him..."

" You never have stopped him." I stood and ran out the door, leaving everything I had ever known behind. I left all the abuse and hate and sleepless nights behind to be welcomed by what I only knew as blackness.

The night air was warm. It wasn't how night was supposed to feel. Night was supposed to be cold and bracing and unwelcoming but this night felt alive with human heat. I ran and ran and ran not sure where I was meant to go. There was no where to go.

I found myself bellow the streetlight where Moritz had shot himself. I knelt in the middle of the pool of light and opened the bible I had clutched. I searched the pages looking for guidance but found only parables with no mention of a way to go. My arm burned fiercely and I prayed for an answer.

A cool wind broke through the heavy cover of summer air. It pulled at me and wrapped me in its relief.

" Please. There is no where for me to go. Show me." The wind pulled at me and caused me to rise to my feet. It brought me peaceably down the road and up towards the church. As I continued to walk I looked and saw Hanschen's house sitting ostracized from the other unknown residences. Ignoring the wind that pulled at me I walked to the front door and knocked. To my surprise Hanschen answered the door. I had been expecting, almost hoping, it would be his father. He looked at me confused to find me on his front porch in the middle of the night.

" What are you doing here?!" He stepped out and closed the door behind him. " You have to go. Father will be very upset."

" Run away with me." I kissed him. Every bit of my desperation channeled into him.

" What? I can't you, know that." He had broken the kiss with a shake of his head. He looked at me as if I had finally gone insane.

" You said you cared. You care about me. Isn't that enough?" I clutched at his hand unwilling to let him go.

" I do but this... this is just too much." Hanschen's father hollered telling Hanschen to get back inside. He looked forlorn between me and the door. His perfect exterior had been cracked and he was left just as frightened as I was. " You know I don't like surprises. I told you that."

" Do you love me?" I dropped the bible and grabbed his other hand and placed it on my chest as I had done with Melchior. He didn't say anything. I kissed him as passionately as I could manage with my naive lips. " Do you love me?"

His silence spoke eloquent volumes.

" Melchior said he loved me." The lie sounded stupid on my tongue. Melchior had written his love. I didn't know if it meant the same thing but it was enough. And I had settled for enough plenty of times.

I turned away because I still blushed when ever Hanschen saw me crying. He put a hand on my shoulder. It stayed there a very long time. It tethered me to him and I hoped he would spin me around and run away with me.

" I wish I could." His voice was so very much like the old Hanschen. The Hanschen who didn't know I existed. The Hanschen who taught me about swimming. I guess I just wasn't working for him. He turned and closed the door quietly behind him, locking me out of his life.

Motionless I waited for him to come back. I wanted him to come back. I wanted any reason for me to not have to run again. The wind began to pick up. It moved me away from Hanschen's front door and tumbled me along the road. My child hood town passed by me for what probably would be the last time. Everything was splayed out as it should be and my mind was ridiculously quiet. Father was out of my life and mother's disappointments were gone too. Hanschen had left me, turning his back because society turned it for him. I was left with my bible and my worn out heart. Ghosts of the past began to whisper out from the shady stars. Each step I took, I took towards more innocent days. Away from the clergy and the parents and all the aches of adolescence. The world was clean and virgin as I walked along prodded by the wind.

I had forgotten everything and reverted back to myself. My fifteen year old body felt spry and alive. I had no decisions to make besides keep walking and that decision was made by the wind. It pushed me up to the church. Fog had sunk around my ankles and I felt as if I was walking through a warm fluffy snow.

The cemetery sprawled out before me. The wind had pushed me here and my feet had followed obediently. Midnight had to be hours away. There never would be a tomorrow. Not after a night like this. A few tears slipped out but they were older tears. I wiped them away. It took me a moment to realize that the crying moans I heard were not my own. Suddenly the church bell tolled midnight. It was time.

NOTE: sorry for its uber longness. it kind of got away from me. please let me know what you think. didn't get alot of feedback for the last two chapters so even if you didn't like it let me know so i can make it better. only one chapter left. reveiws make the world go round :)


	16. In The Darkness

It has been a while and this chapter turned out a lot different than I planned. I wanted it to be different than the rest. I hope you like it.

The bells chimed incessantly, budging my feet into a frenzied trot. My last hope of salvation lay hidden amongst the eaves and tombstones and he was waiting for me to arrive. My naive heart rattled like a fluttering bird in a cage. I didn't know what to expect... so much had changed.

My trot slowed to a stop as the mist parted and revealed him crouched amongst Wendla's and Moritz's graves. A silver blade hung poised above his soft skin, hungry for his permission to taste blood. As a watched his hand hang like a pendulum, my heart sank. He was going to leave me like all the other ones. Like everyone .

His tears streamed openly and around him a beautiful blue light shown, cast in tumbling elegance by the moon. He hadn't noticed my timid arrival and held his gaze to the friends who lay beneath him. An ancient moan of anguish escaped his lips and for a moment I thought his fingers would slip releasing his life and soul back to the earth.

" Are you going to leave me too?" I wasn't asking him to stay. I wished he would but I knew I could never hold him here against his will. It would be like trying to command the wind to stay warm and never cast a golden autumn leaf. He slowly looked up and met my eyes. They were so changed, they mirrored his aged soul that I knew resided in his youthful prison.

" No. I am not going anywhere. Even if I did, it would still all be there in the darkness." The blade clattered to the freshly turned mound of earth and he tentatively wrapped his arms around himself, as if to stimulate a single memory of gentle contact. I walked to him, vapors of lives and emotions wafting from the graves. Each step brought a bitter and sweet taste of my irretrievable childhood. By the final step I felt I could handle what was left of life... as long as Melchie remained by my side.

With quaking fingers Melchior began to bury the razor in between his two friends graves. He was burying the black tomahawk that had swept over our innocent bunch.

"Come with me." Once again it was a soft request. He hadn't touched me yet and my body sputtered and flamed for his caress. Advancing and retracting his hand snaked away from his body and finally alighted on my cheek. His fingers were fire and sent shock waves through my entire body and I finally felt something for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.

"So you are really here. You aren't just one of them..." His voice trailed away into nothingness as he pulled me deeper into a fervent embrace. " You can't disappear. I...I need you." He buried his face into my shirt and I felt his warm breathe press against my collarbone.

To be needed. It swelled within me like a blossoming flower. No one had ever needed me for anything ever. It gave me purpose and a reason to carry on. I snuggled into his hair and held my breathe. I counted to three and opened my eyes just to make sure he was as real as I was.

" I need you too. Run with me. We have to get out. We have to run from all the ghosts and the moonlight. Start new." I couldn't push back the creeping smile that was quickly infecting my whole face. Melchior bit back words and the worried expression faded slowly. He nodded and held me at arms length. And before I had the chance to say anything else he smiled the deepest saddest smile I had ever seen. He placed my hand against his heart and I felt the reassuring hammer meet my fingers.

" To have and to hold." Melchior leaned in and kissed me lightly on the lips. He was mine and I could hold him for the rest of my life. A shadow of the old headstrong Melchie returned as he hoisted me into his strong arms. He cradled me as I madly blushed and he beamed down. He gingerly stepped over the graves, his joy receding slightly. I whispered a ragged prayer to my fallen friends and as if the wind gave its blessings it pressed at Melchie's back and caused him to carry me a few more steps.

I squirmed and he let my feet touch ground. I laced my fingers into his and he squeezed. He led me into the blackest of nights and out into the starlight where momentarily we stood crested on a hill. A huge field expanded before us, giving illustrated life to our wild future together. The blackness, even with the rendering glow of the moon and stars, was daunting. With a final cry out into the heavens in which he did not believe, Melchie ran head long into the field, his fingers keeping me in tow. However unknown, however black and fearsome, I knew that I would follow him into the brightest of days and blackest of nights, for everything that I have ever been and ever will be lay hidden in the darkness and that is where he could always be found.

**NOTE: So thats that * fireworks* there are no words to express my gratitude for those of you who have read this story from start to finish. I hoped you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. I also have an alternate ending with our hero Hanschen finally stepping up to the plate if any one is interested let me know. I have a Maureen Mark fic planned for the future and another spring awakening fic but this one is a bit more traditional and much shorter. Once again thank you for your patience and time and everything else ! Love and reviews make the world go round! **


	17. Felons

Hey everyone I know this is way overdue but the alternate ending is finally here. Let me know what you think

The bells chimed incessantly, budging my feet into a frenzied trot. My last hope of salvation lay hidden amongst the eaves and tombstones and he was waiting for me to arrive. My naive heart rattled like a fluttering bird in a cage. I didn't know what to expect... so much had changed.

My trot slowed to a stop as the mist parted and revealed him crouched amongst Wendla's and Moritz's graves. A silver blade hung poised above his soft skin, hungry for his permission to taste blood. As a watched his hand hang like a pendulum, my heart sank. He was going to leave me like all the other ones. Like everyone .

His tears streamed openly and around him a beautiful blue light shown, cast in tumbling elegance by the moon. He hadn't noticed my timid arrival and held his gaze to the friends who lay beneath him. An ancient moan of anguish escaped his lips and for a moment I thought his fingers would slip releasing his life and soul back to the earth.

" Are you going to leave me too?" I wasn't asking him to stay. I wished he would but I knew I could never hold him here against his will. It would be like trying to command the wind to stay warm and never cast a golden autumn leaf. He slowly looked up and met my eyes. They were so changed, they mirrored his aged soul that I knew resided in his youthful prison.

" No. I am not going anywhere. Even if I did, it would still all be there in the darkness." The blade clattered to the freshly turned mound of earth and he tentatively wrapped his arms around himself, as if to stimulate a single memory of gentle contact. I walked to him, vapors of lives and emotions wafting from the graves. Each step brought a bitter and sweet taste of my irretrievable childhood. By the final step I felt I could handle what was left of life... as long as Melchie remained by my side.

With quaking fingers Melchior began to bury the razor in between his two friends graves. He was burying the black tomahawk that had swept over our innocent bunch.

"Come with me." Once again it was a soft request. He hadn't touched me yet and my body sputtered and flamed for his caress. Advancing and retracting his hand snaked away from his body and finally alighted on my cheek. His fingers were fire and sent shock waves through my entire body and I finally felt something for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.

"No. I told you I am not going anywhere. I love you but I am not good for you. I destroy everything I get close to. You need a new start just as badly as I need one and if that means leaving then that's what has to happen. I'm sorry." He hugged me but I was numb. I hadn't heard what he had said. My body wouldn't let me. "I am so sorry but I need to fix things here. I've… I've ruined everything and I need to try and make things right. And you need to go and get out of here. They won't understand you."

I laughed. He was telling me what I already knew. I wasn't right. I was a ruined human and nobody understands broken things they just throw them away. Melchie looked one final time at me and left. Just like that. His shoulders were slumped and tired as his white shirt bobbed into the blackness until he was no longer visible. He was gone. I was alone crying in the cemetery. How fitting.

I threw myself to the ground breathing in the earth, grasping at the graves of my fallen friends. I wanted to be with them. My hand searched for a way in and brushed against the freshly turned pile of earth Melchie had created. Frantically I pulled myself to my knees and removed the earth.

He may have left me behind but he had saved me. I picked up the blade. Unveiling the razor, I hefted it as if it were a thirty pound sword. It held possibility. And escape. I was never very brave or smart. I was never anything so what would it matter if I just went away.

I didn't cry as I brought the blade close to my wrist. For once in my life I didn't cry and I felt brave and cowardly all at once. I pressed lightly testing it. It bit softly in and a thin spider's tendril of blood pooled up. I knew this would be a nice way to go. Quit and unassuming. They could even have an open casket service for me since half my head wouldn't be blown away, that is if they have a service for such a disgrace.

"You don't want to do that." Hanschen burst through the mist startling me. I pulled the blade away and stared listlessly at him. He was breathing heavily and his shirt was torn. His lovely blonde hair stood in wild shocks as if he had been in a fight. "How can we look back thirty years from now if you aren't alive?" His voice caught. That more than anything else made me put the blade down next to me. I wasn't chickening out just curious as to what he was doing here. It was still in reach.

"You know I don't like surprises. I think your actions warranted a few moments thought don't you." He looked pleadingly at me and waited for a reply.

"No I don't. You should have come. I needed you." I was angry. He thought he could just jump back and have things be the same.

"You show up on my doorstep in the pitch black nearly making me burst with those kisses. I could hardly think. Then you ask me to leave my family, my friends, everything I have ever known. You put me in quite a situation. Leaving now would severely screw up my whole biding my time plan." He had worked his way over to where I sat on the ground. He knelt and pulled the rest of his sleeve off and wrapped it around my still lightly bleeding wrist pulling tightly. We didn't talk and I hated that my heart still pounded when he touched me.

"Then why are you here?" I looked at the dirt and knew he would not reply and leave me sitting here happy hading made sure I wasn't going to die and he could still have his way with me.

"Because I realized that everything I knew wasn't my home or my friends or the school or my father. It was you." He pulled my chin to look at him. His words shocked me and the fact that he hadn't pushed my lips into his in his controlling manner surprised me even more. With his hair frazzled and his blue eyes frightened he was closer to me than ever. "I closed the door on you and I felt the door closing on my happy life. I ran upstairs grabbed a bag and filled it with some necessities. How were you going to run away with out any money food or clothes?" He smiled and I felt the beginnings of a blush. "So I ran back downstairs and as you can imagine father was not very pleased with me leaving. He did everything he could to stop me even resorting to pulling my shirt." He laughed as he looked at his lopsided shirt. I lightly touched his bare arm remembering how strong his arms were. Capable arms. Gentle arms.

He stood up and walked away. My heart dropped but before I could miss him he was back with a satchel. He pulled it open and revealed a near fortune. My jaw dropped.

"Hanschen… how did you…" he smiled his entrancing devilish smile.

"Father was not particularly upset about me running away but he was rather peeved when his money went with me." He closed the bag again and briefly brushed his nose against mine still not kissing me. He was being so patient. He stood up and held his hand out to me. "We better get moving, you forget we are felons now."

Everything was happening quickly but I could feel the pressures and weight of the world rising. I gave him my hand and he pulled me up. Before running he pulled me close to him and kissed me. He kissed me and kissed me and kissed me. He left room for escape but I would never want to leave those seductive perfect lips. He knew he had won but the victory was truly ours. Finally sighing happily he pulled away.

"God you control me." He brushed the hair away from my eyes. I laughed and the noise sounded alien. I controlled him? I had so much to learn about him and his strange affection. But for the first time in all my life I felt like I was seeing the true him. He was away from his life and his search for perfection. His hair was wild and free and his emotions were just as free. I think feeling frightened him just as much as it did me.

"You are not looking for perfection anymore." I squeezed his hand. I felt like I needed to comfort him since he had had to settle for me instead of someone who would have made his life easy.

"I've already got it." He kissed me again making me blush and smile as our lips met. "But for now I think we should probably run for our lives." He tugged my hand and we were off. I was off with the Hanschen who didn't know I existed for so long. I laughed realizing it was this new Hanschen that I didn't know existed.

Well there it is. This story is officially complete. I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are really great to get and I really appreciate them


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